


Falling To Pieces

by brokenspell77



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Anal Sex, Brain Tumour, Cancer, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff, Headaches & Migraines, Hospitals, M/M, Major Illness, Not a death fic, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2019-10-21 19:33:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenspell77/pseuds/brokenspell77
Summary: Lately Robert has started to have recurring headaches that seem to be only getting worse. Aaron worries as they get more severe, but Robert continually plays it down and assures him that it's nothing to worry about.Is Robert right or is something about to shatter their happiness?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little note to say that the 2017 hell plot hasn't taken place in this fic. Aaron and Robert had their unofficial/rushed wedding, Aaron went to prison, Robert still got him out early, but since then they've been living a happy life together at the Mill.

It had been happening to Robert for weeks now and with concerning regularity. Each time a headache took hold the pain would start behind his eyes and spread until his entire cranium felt as though it was trapped in a vice. It rendered him unable to open his eyes as they became so sensitive to light. Every noise was at the volume of a gunshot. Robert was accustomed to pain and from a much too young age, but the sheer agony inflicted on him by the headaches were almost too much to handle.

Week by week the pain seemed to get more severe and lately the only thing that helped was shutting himself inside his bedroom with the curtains closed and dwelling alone in the darkness. Sometimes if he fell asleep it would take the edge off when he awoke, but at others it would still be present and still the same level of torture.

When a pattern emerged and the headaches just wouldn't go away Robert looked for an answer by googling all his symptoms. He knew that self diagnosis by the internet wasn't the smartest route to take, but the emerging pain at his left temple spurred him on to pick up his phone and surf the web for any indication of what was going on. A whole slew of reasons bombarded him: tension, dehydration, inflammation of blood vessels, infections, possibility of a stroke or a brain tumour. Robert's mind went into overdrive at the possibilities and immediately shut it down, locked his phone and told himself it was nothing to be concerned about. But as more time passed with the headaches still arising more days than not worry started to build.

The headaches he was experiencing hadn't escaped Aaron's attention either. Aaron had found him too many times curled up in their bed with a bag of ice pressed against his skull in a futile attempt to numb the pain. At first Aaron believed it was nothing but a migraine, assured Robert of it as he ran a gentle hand through his hair and retrieved painkillers and water for his husband. However, when the headaches became frequent and Robert resorted to shutting himself away from the world Aaron's worry increased exponentially and more times than Robert could count Aaron urged him to make a doctors appointment.

So far Robert had resisted and soothed his husband by assuring him that the pain radiating throughout his skull was easing. He wouldn't admit it, but his own fears were starting to consume him. He knew the only way to attain answers was to follow Aaron's advice, but apart of him was scared to hear what the answer would be. He wasn't usually one to bury his head in the sand, but this...this felt different.

Thankfully the day prior had been headache free which was a good thing considering the amount of paperwork that had built up between Holey Scrap and Home James during his time stuck in bed and so far that morning he found his head totally free of any pain.

Admittedly the day had only just begun and he was still underneath the duvet, enjoying the warmth of the bed and the furnace that was Aaron's naked body next to his. He had woken up around ten minutes earlier and found himself captivated by the peaceful look on his Aaron's face. It wasn't until an arm was thrown across his chest, followed by a deep groan that he finally stopped gazing at his husband. He felt Aaron stretch out his limbs before moving in closer to his body, his beard grazing along his skin and one leg being thrown over his hip.

''Morning,'' He whispers into the silence that still ruled over the Mill. He smiled as he felt Aaron move in a little closer, a little tighter and he melted into the embrace.

''Morning,'' Aaron's raspy morning voice replied. ''What time is it?''

''Still early,'' He answers through a yawn whilst stroking a hand over the muscular thigh that was thrown over his hips. ''No need to get up yet.''

The village was well and truly in the grip of winter and there was a thick cover of snow that stretched out across the landscape as far as the eye could see. The temperature was bitter and a harsh frost came with it. It was days like this where getting out of bed at the crack of dawn and when the sun still wasn't up that Robert wished he could stay right there in bed, all warm and cosy with his own personal heater that just so happened to be his beautiful husband.

''How's your head?'' Aaron asked. Unfortunately, that question had become somewhat of a routine every morning for them both. The unsaid dread in the pit of both their stomachs growing every time it was a negative response.

''It's good'', Robert was pleased to say. ''Totally headache free.''

Aaron smiles and leans in for a soft and sweet kiss. Robert hums against his lips, large hands coming to Aaron's waist and he pulls him onto his lap. Aaron chuckles lightly as he pulls away and sits up.

''I don't think we've got enough time for that.''

''We should always make time for that, Aaron.'' Robert smirks cockily as both hands take a generous squeeze of Aaron's ass.

''You'll be late for work and you know Nicola's already in a mood that you've had time off lately because of your headaches.'' Aaron tries to argue, but he knows he will give in because he wants it just as much as Robert does.

''I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk about Nicola right now!'' Robert complains as he kisses and nibbles at Aaron's neck and chest.

''Why not? Nicola worked for you once upon a time...'' Aaron teases with a big grin and if it wasn't such a lovely sight Robert would be fuming, instead he's trying to hide his own embarrassed smile.

''Don't remind me!'' Robert complains as he hides his face behind his hands. ''Well, that has really killed the mood!'' He grumbles.

Aaron laughs and kisses away the pout on Robert's lips. He calls him a liar as he wraps his fingers around Robert's erection. ''This better be because of me and not because...''

''Don't you dare finish that sentence!'' Robert warns before rolling Aaron onto his back and hushing any retort his husband may have by leaving a bruising kiss on his lips. ''It's always because of you.''

Aaron can't hide the shy smile that graces his face no matter how valiantly he tries and instead wraps his strong thighs around Robert's waist and pulls his lips back onto his own. He bites at his bottom lip as he feels Robert's thick and hard dick rub against his own throbbing dick and as Robert moves to kiss at his neck, just the way he knows Aaron likes it, he reaches out blindly to retrieve the lube from the bedside drawer. He slaps it into Robert's palm, wanting and needing to feel that pleasurable stretch and burn.

It didn't take Robert long to open him up with his long, slender fingers and Aaron felt he could cum just from that, but he somehow held on and was now pushing Robert onto his back desperate to have him inside. He straddled his hips and reached behind himself to lower himself down on each glorious inch of his husbands dick.

''Mmm, fuuuuuck!'' Aaron breathlessly moaned as he took Robert in to the hilt. ''Feels so good.''

''Yeah, it does,'' Robert agreed as his hand swept over Aaron's thick thighs and hips before settling on the round globes of his ass. ''You feel so tight.''

Taking a firm hold of Robert's shoulders Aaron moves slowly up and down at first, but quickly finds his rhythm, and soon he is riding hard and fast. His body is crying out for more. So much more that he knows Robert can give him.

''Harder,'' He begs for it. ''Fuck me, Robert.''

Robert starts meeting his thrusts in earnest, nearly knocking Aaron off balance, but Aaron regains it swiftly and rises higher than before and takes every inch of Robert back inside with every downward motion. The raspy and guttural moans that escape him makes Robert's toes curl. He loves that sound. Loves knowing he can bring it out in Aaron. That only he gets to see Aaron so wanton and shameless. It's a sight to behold and one that he treasures.

''I'm so close,'' Robert admits between heaving gasps. ''You're gonna make me cum, Aaron.''

''Cum inside me.''

Nothing compares to the sensation of having Robert cum thick and heavy inside of him. It's an unparalleled euphoria that never fails at sending shivers throughout his entire body. It rocks him from head to toe. And when Robert's fingers dig into his hips and his thighs turn rigid beneath Aaron's palms he knows this is the moment. He hums in delight as Robert releases, their eyes locked, full of fire and pupils black and blown with wild passion.

As Robert revels in his orgasm Aaron's fist works himself over, his dick wet and dripping and begging for relief. Robert still thrusts, urging Aaron to cum all over his chest and Aaron's eyes shut tightly, he gnaws at his lip as he hurtles toward his climax with thick streams of cum shooting out all over Robert's body.

Everything slows and turns quiet, like someone just pulled the plug in the middle of a rock concert. They difference is stark, but both men love the close and intimate feeling of the afterglow. Robert tugs Aaron into his body, smearing his cum between them as Aaron tucks his head into his neck. Aaron sighs contentedly as he feels Robert's fingers run through his curls and kisses placed on his sweaty forehead.

''That was definitely worth being late for,'' Robert smirks.

................................

The moment Aaron steps into the Woolpack he spots his Mum at the bar, a wide smile on her face as she sees him. He was meant to be meeting Robert for lunch after returning from an early morning jaunt into Manchester on a scrap run, but he hadn't spotted his husband at any of the tables.

''Hiya, love,'' Chas greets him as they meet on opposite sides of the bar. ''Robert not with you today?''

''He'll be here in a bit. I had to go on a scrap run, but we thought we'd meet back here for lunch.'' Aaron explains as he situates himself on a stool. ''Thought he'd be here by now though''

''He'll be along soon I'm sure. Two pints and two burgers?'' Chas asks, familiar with her son and son-in-laws regular order.

''Cheers,'' Aaron says as he pulls out his phone wondering where Robert is. He was ten minutes late himself and expected Robert to be waiting for him not the other way around. He checks his messages and call history, but he hadn't missed anything during the drive back to the village.

''Shouldn't be too long, love'' Chas tells him as she returns from the kitchen. With practiced ease she pulls two pints and sets them in front of Aaron. ''Have you not heard from him?''

''No.''

''Aww, look at ya, can't even handle one morning without your man,'' Chas teases with a twinkle in her eye. ''Bless.''

''Shut up!'' Aaron chuckles trying desperately to contain the red blush from colouring his cheeks. ''I'm just wondering where he's got to that's all.''

''Has he still been having those headaches?''

''Not for a couple of days. The last one was really bad though.'' Aaron explains. ''I got home from work and found him in bed. He couldn't even have the light on it hurt that much. He spent the entire day in the pitch black.''

''You should get an appointment with Dr. Cavanaugh.'' Chas implores. This wasn't the first time she had seen concern etched all over her son's face and she was certain it would erase the worry in a flash.

''Easier said than done,'' Aaron let out a long suffering sigh. His husband could be as stubborn as himself sometimes. ''I've tried to get him to go a few times, but he says it's just a migraine that will soon pass.''

''Which it does?''

''Yeah, but he's still having them way too often,'' Aaron points out, turning quickly as he hears the pub doors swing open, but it still isn't Robert. ''He seems to have them at least twice a week.''

''I'm sure it's nothing to worry about though.'' Chas comforts.

''Probably, but I'd still prefer it if he went to the doctors.'' Aaron murmurs as he checks his phone once again to see no communication from Robert.

..................................

Aaron had been right, Nicola wasn't pleased at the amount of time he had off work lately. The very second he set foot inside the portacabin she was jumping down his throat and yelling in his face. He bit his tongue, fighting to not bite the woman's head off, and told her he would deal with it. Unfortunately, his desk was littered in so much paperwork that it would take days to catch up. As he made his way through he was irked that apparently Nicola or Jimmy couldn't deal with some of it during his absence. It was hardly rocket science, but he assumed it was Nicola making some kind of point. That woman could really be annoying sometimes.

Before he could even make a dent he felt the early dull ache starting behind his eyes. Over the last month or so he had grown to know the signs of an oncoming migraine and so he rifled through his desk drawers and took a couple of paracetamol hoping to keep it at bay and forged on with the pile of contracts and invoices.

By 11pm the paracetamol had done little to stave off the headache and the pain enveloped his whole skull. He can't concentrate and there's a loud buzzing in his ears. He takes even more pain killers but it doesn't even make a dent. The endless throbbing is unbearable. He can barely open his eyes without the pain shooting even stronger within his head.

He hears a piercing ring and it takes a moment for him to realise it's his phone. Blindly he reaches out for it, picks it up, but his eyes just won't focus. No matter how hard he tries the screen and buttons blur and merge into one. He's sure it's Aaron. He wants it to be Aaron. He suddenly feels his stomach lurch and bile rise at the back of his throat. He rises from his chair on wobbly legs, and with stumbling steps and harsh breaths he practically collapses into the door. The pain in his skull is brutal and he cries out Aaron's name as his phone slips from his grip. For the first time he's actually scared and he wants the one source of safety and protection he's ever felt in his entire life by his side.

His legs buckle beneath him and he stumbles backwards toward his desk. He doesn't even realise he's falling until it's too late. He crashes into the desk, sending all the paperwork and stacked folders flying, before bouncing off the hard wood and into a heap on the cold portacabin floor.

...............................


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Robert wakes up on the portacabin floor he realises he can't keep ignoring the signs. However, he decides to keep Aaron in the dark. Meanwhile, Aaron is worried about his missing husband.

The first thing Robert notices as he comes to is that he's freezing cold. His hands are like ice blocks and the tips of his fingers sting. His eyes slowly open, the world filters back in and it's only once the details of his surroundings register that he remembers he's in the portacabin. He groans as he shifts, his back clicking in protest and a dull ache radiates from the point of his elbow. He assumes he must have knocked it when he fell. As he hauls himself back to his feet and is fully vertical the dizziness hits him again and on unsteady legs he all but falls back down into his desk chair to collect himself.

Thankfully the thumping in his head has subsided and now only a minor headache remains. The nausea has passed too, yet the glass of water he sips at still trembles in his hands. He's not sure how long he sits there trying to calm himself down, time seems to have stopped, every tick of the clock on the wall feels like a day. Eventually his eyes fall to the ground where the paperwork scattered and it hits Robert like a ton of bricks in that moment that he can't keep ignoring this. He can't keep ignoring the signs. He can't keep ignoring what his body is telling him.

Robert checks his phone as it starts to ring again with Aaron's name bold and bright on the screen, but he can't bring himself to answer it. He knows he's not ready to tell Aaron, and the very second Aaron hears his voice he would know something was wrong. His husband knows him too well. He lets it ring out and then he sees the notification that it's the third miss call from Aaron, as well as a text and he feels guilty that he's worrying him.

With shaking fingers he types out a quick and abrupt text that he got called away to an unexpected meeting with a Home James client and will have to skip the lunch date. He hates lying to Aaron. They have moved on from the lies and dishonesty, they promised each other they would communicate and work through any problems together, but something deep down inside was telling him that this was going to be a big obstacle to overcome.

Feeling a little more stable he collects up the paperwork and restores the portacabin to its normal state so nothing would seem amiss, then pockets his phone, grabs his keys and heads off with dread in the pit of stomach for the answers he seeks.

............................

The waiting room was relatively quiet and Robert was relieved that there was no one he knew around. The last thing he wanted to do was make small talk and avoid questions of why he was there. Doctor Cavanaugh luckily agreed to see him even though he had no appointment booked, but he had to wait around for a free slot in which the doctor could squeeze him in.

He had already been waiting for 45 minutes and he was getting restless, which was only compounded by his phone vibrating in his hand yet again. Aaron's name flashing on the screen. Again a war rages in his head whether to answer and tell Aaron where he really was and what happened, but again he ignores the call determined to not cause any undue panic. He wants answers first before he tells Aaron anything.

''Robert Sugden?''

The secretary finally calls his name and points to the Doctors room with a kind smile. He hesitates, but gets to his feet. With every step the fear grows and as the door closes behind him he just knows that nothing good is going to come from this. It almost makes him bolt. Living in blissful ignorance of what's wrong with him could be better. He sits and an uncomfortable silence begins. He isn't sure where to begin.

''Hello, Robert,'' Cavanaugh greets him as he sits down on his side of the desk. ''What brings you in today?''

''Erm...ahem,'' Robert clears his suddenly dry throat. He's apprehensive and he still wants to run, but the thought of Aaron keeps him sat in the chair. ''I've been getting a lot of headaches lately. Really bad ones and I thought I better get it checked.''

''Alright, when did that start?'' Cavanaugh asks with the usual faux polite doctor etiquette.

''A few months back I guess. At first I just thought it was normal headaches, but then they started becoming more frequent.'' Robert explains, his nerves settling a little as they converse. He keeps telling himself to just tell the doctor everything.

''How frequently would you say you're having them?''

''It's gotten worse and worse and now I'd say I have them maybe four times a week. Sometimes five.'' Truth be told he doesn't know the answer as when they're really bad the days just blur. He simply answers by telling the doctor what Aaron has told him every time that he's been urged to come here.

''And how severe would you say they are?''

''At first it just felt like a normal headache and then work had been stressful so I just put it down to that. But now they've become so bad that paracetamol barely touches them. I can't bare any bright lights and I end up laying in bed in complete darkness.''

''Have you had a headache today?'' Cavanaugh asks with fingers hovering ready to add more details to the notes on the computer.

''Yeah, I have,'' Robert falters, scared to admit exactly the circumstances that pushed him to be in the room that day. ''It was really bad. The worst so far.''

''So you'd say they've been getting progressively worse over the last few months?''

''Yeah definitely.''

''Okay, is there any history of migraines or cluster headaches in your family?''

''Not that I know of,'' Robert replies.

''Have you experienced any other symptoms when you're having these headaches?''

''Like I said I can't really cope with bright lights. I sometimes hear like a buzzing or ringing, my vision can often go blurry. It's been really hard to concentrate at work,'' Robert admits for the first time. He's lost count the amount of times he's zoned out and when he comes back to reality he's just staring at a blank computer screen or spreadsheet. ''The last month or so I've started to feel sick a lot too.''

''At the same times as the headaches?''

''Yeah, I get really nauseous and my legs and arms feel weak and kind of tingly.''

''Have you had any numbness? Dizziness? Trouble with balance?''

''Yes, I erm...'' Robert looks down at his lap where his hands won't stop moving. He feels the pit of dread again, but he knows he needs to be clear and honest. ''I had a moment today where it was really, really bad and I must've blacked out because the next thing I know I'm waking up on the floor.''

''You blacked out? Did you have a headache then too?''

Robert can't help the twinge of fear as he notices the doctor shift in his chair and his forehead crease. Nevertheless, Robert confirms with a barely perceptible nod. ''It was brutal. Everything was blurry and I tried to stand but my legs felt like jelly. I just remember that my head was hurting so bad and I just wanted my husband...'' He trails off as he thinks of the worry all this will cause Aaron. He makes a silent vow to himself then and there that he won't tell Aaron until he knows what they're dealing with.

''And then you blacked out?'' The doctor asks wanting to clearly ascertain what happened.

As he answers with another nod he can tell Cavanaugh is concerned. His entire demeanour changed the very second he mentioned his blackout. The furious typing away on the computer and the look in his eye told Robert all that he needed to know; it could be serious.

''Okay, Robert, I just want to go through some tests with you. It's nothing to worry about, I just want to test your vision, hearing, reflexes, that sort of thing.''

Time feels elastic again as the doctor remains silent whilst gathering what he needs for the tests. Meanwhile, inside Robert's mind is a stark contrast. It's a whirlwind of fear as every single diagnosis that google told him it could be flashes back across his mind.

Doctor Cavanaugh is fast, yet efficient and Robert finds himself almost robotically following every instruction and trying to not get sucked into the swirling entropy of his mind. He instead focuses on the memories he's made with Aaron. Bright blue eyes. A gorgeous smile. A kiss in a lay-by. Them both standing side by side in suits. The happiest day of his life.

He's brought back from his daze as they sit back down at either side of the desk. The frown persistent on Cavanaugh's face. The safety of memories of Aaron abandon him and he's left with nothing but a black hole waiting to swallow him up.

''Okay, Robert, I am concerned about the frequency of your headaches, as well as the level of pain you've been experiencing. So, I'm going to contact Hotten General for an immediate MRI.''

''Wait...what?'' Robert asks in a panic. It's all suddenly moving far too fast and again his entire being screams out for Aaron. He wishes for him to be by his side. To feel that strong, comforting presence. To feel safe. ''What do you think is wrong with me?''

''I honestly cannot say. And I wouldn't like to speculate. However, the MRI should give us a much clearer idea of what we're dealing with. I'll contact the hospital and you can head straight there.''

''Go now?'' Robert asks. ''You must know it's bad if I have to go now!''

''Not at all, Robert. It's simply normal procedure. Do you have anyone that can accompany you?''

Aaron. Aaron. Aaron.

''No. I don't want anyone to panic.'' He finds himself saying instead.

''You shouldn't go alone, Robert. I also strongly advise you not to drive anywhere until we discover the reason for your headaches. I can give Aaron a call?''

''No!'' Robert yells defiantly. As much as he wants and needs Aaron, wishes he was there to hold his hand through the entire process, he can't drop this bombshell on him. Not yet. Not without a definitive answer. He has to do this alone. ''I'll get a taxi.''

''Okay, Robert. I'll contact the hospital now.''

''Right,'' Robert stands on autopilot, the world falling away as he succumbs to the fear and panic bubbling inside him. He stares at the doctor. He's lost. He's scared. ''Okay, erm...thanks.'' He mutters as he leaves the room.

....................................

Aaron storms into the pub looking in every direction but he still doesn't locate Robert. After receiving an abrupt text from earlier that day that he got called to a meeting something just didn't sit right. Something deep down in his gut was telling him something was wrong and with the more hours that passed and Robert not returning home or picking up his phone the worry only heightened.

''Mum, you seen Robert?'' Aaron asks as he approaches the bar interrupting a customer mid order. ''He still hasn't come home.''

''No, love. He's not been in all day,'' Chas replies as she pours drinks. ''I thought he told you he had a meeting earlier?''

''Yeah that was hours ago. It's nearly 6 and I haven't heard from him at all! A meeting doesn't take that long. He should be home.'' Aaron frantically rambles. ''Something's happened.''

''Don't be silly,'' Chas tries to reason with him as she moves over to the cash register. ''He's probably just got stuck in traffic.''

''Then why doesn't he answer when I call?'' Aaron says as he looks to the kitchen that Victoria just emerged from. ''Vic, have you talked to Robert today?''

''No, not heard a thing. Why?'' She queried without much care.

Seeing the worry pouring out of her son Chas rounds the bar and walks him over to a table. ''Love, his phones probably died that's all. In fact he's probably at the Mill waiting on you.''

''Yeah, I guess.'' The door swings open and Vanessa, Rhona and Paddy all situate themselves at the bar. ''Have any of you seen, Robert?''

The trio of vets turn around to face him and all come back with the same answer. No. Aaron just cannot shake the feeling that something is up. Robert is usually glued to his phone. If Robert misses a call from him it will be returned within an hour. Whenever Robert is away on business Aaron receives numerous calls and hundreds of texts a day. Robert being incognito is just flat out strange and not like him.

''Is something wrong?'' Paddy queries as he joins Aaron and Chas at a table.

''He hasn't heard from Robert all day?'' Chas explains. ''He's just a little worried.''

''Awww,'' Paddy teases, ready to launch into how sickeningly sweet it is that Aaron can't stand to be away from his other half for so long, but he stops short when he sees the look on Aaron's face. ''I'm sure he's fine and just running a little late.''

''Hours late!'' Aaron snaps. ''What if he's had one of his headaches and tried to drive home?''

''What headaches?'' Paddy looks back and forth between the two Dingles waiting for one of them to fill him in. Aaron lets out a defeated sigh and sprints out of the Woolpack leaving Chas to answer his question.

Meanwhile, Aaron heads back in the direction of the Mill hoping his mum would be correct and he would see Robert's car, but all that he sees is an empty space next to his own. He keeps telling himself that he's overreacting, that he needs to get a grip but his gut is telling him something completely different.  
................................

Robert stares into the stream below watching the dirty leaves float along its current until it disappears under the bridge he's stood on. He grips onto the weathered wood, knuckles white and jaw clenched trying valiantly to withhold the tears threatening to fall. If he starts crying now he's not sure he'll be able to stop.

The day had felt so long to him. Every agonising moment spent waiting at Hotten General seemed to stretch longer and longer. Once he finally had the MRI and was told to wait once more for the Doctor time seemed to slow down to a crawl. Now he thought bitterly that was preferable because now time felt like an enemy. It moved much too fast and would run out far too soon. Time had stretched the entire day and the moment he got in that room with his doctor it finally snapped.

_''Alright, Mr. Sugden the results of your MRI should be available within the next few days. Your local physician that referred you earlier today will call you in for an appointment to give you the results.''_

_''I can't have the results now?''_

_''I'm afraid not. The radiologist will have to look at them first.''_

_''You must have some idea of what's going on?''_

_''I wouldn't like to speculate...''_

_''Just tell me! I know that you have an idea of what it could be...stop messing me around and tell me!''_

_''Mr.Sugden...''_

_''For fucksake if you won't tell me find me someone that will!''_

_''Judging from your symptoms and the MRI I suspect you have a brain tumour. However, I cannot be sure until the radiologist has seen your results which is why I didn't want to say and cause unjust worry.''_

_''I have cancer?''_

_''Not necessarily it could be a benign mass.''_

_''But there's a chance it could be cancer?''_

_''There is a chance that it is malignant, yes.''_

''Robert?''

He quickly rubs at his eyes at the sounds of the voice trying desperately to erase any trace of the tears he shed. He hides away from the intruder keeping his back to them to try and hide the state he's in until he's pulled himself together.

''Aaron's been looking for you,'' the person says and Robert recognises the voice now. Paddy. ''He's been frantic and checking all around the village. He's rung you a million times too. Did your phone die? Where have you been?''

For once Robert is grateful for Paddy's rambling, it giving him some extra time to try and tame all the emotions fighting around inside of him. He hears the footsteps finally hit the wood of the bridge and stop right behind him.

''I just got caught up in a meeting,'' Robert says his voice still sounding strained. He prays that Paddy doesn't notice. The last thing he needs is to have to come up with an excuse and prolong any conversation with Paddy longer than he has to. ''I'm just about to go home.''

He and Paddy weren't exactly close. They had only recently started being civil to each other over the last year. Ever since the rushed wedding Robert threw together at the last minute to surprise Aaron before he went to prison Paddy had been more accepting, but really any progress made between them was for Aaron's sake. They had learned to tolerate each other and found some common ground, that being how much they cared for Aaron.

''Good,'' Paddy chuckles. ''That'll stop Aaron charging around the village like an angry bull. Come on, I'll walk back with you.''

Paddy moves off walking passed Robert, but the younger man stays firmly planted on the bridge. He wants to go home. He wants to see Aaron. He wants Aaron to hold him and never let go. But he knows the moment he steps foot inside the Mill and tells Aaron where's he's been their world will be ripped apart. His has already been destroyed. He wants to save Aaron from the same. He wants to preserve it for him. He wants to protect him.

It's at that very moment where he truly realises he can't. That their lives will never be the same and as hard as he tries he can't keep the tears from streaming down his face. He turns away from Paddy in a futile attempt for him not to notice him falling apart at the seams, but the man is observant and is already walking back toward him.

''Robert what's wrong?'' Paddy's almost hesitant as he asks. The uncomfortable nature of the situation isn't lost on him. He never thought he would see Robert like this, shoulders hunched and shaking with every breath as he cries right in front of him. ''Should I go get Aaron?''

''No!'' Robert finally looks up with tear stained cheeks and red eyes. ''Please, Paddy...''

''What's going on?'' Paddy is stunned. Unsure of how to proceed. He doesn't know what to do at all. His head is telling him to get Aaron, but hearing the broken plea from Robert he finds himself holding back. ''Robert...a,a,are you sure you don't want me to get Aaron? It's obvious you need someone.''

''I don't know what to do,'' Robert chokes out between stuttering breaths. ''I don't know how to tell him?''

''Tell him what?'' Paddy can't help but think the worst. And think the worst of Robert in that moment. However, he reprimands himself and tells himself to give the man the benefit of the doubt. Aaron, Liv, Chas, they all trust him so he tries to do so as well. But old habits die hard. ''Were you really at a work meeting?''

Robert meets Paddy eyes and he can see the distrust in them. Usually he'd be driven to lash out, to fire back with a scathing retort, but he just feels utterly broken. ''No,'' he finally says and tries to remove any evidence of his tears again, but the words on the tip of his tongue are already making the tears well in the corner of his eyes, but he takes a deep breath and pushes the words out. ''I was at the hospital.''

''Hospital? Why were you at the hospital?''

''Doctor Cavanaugh sent me for an MRI,'' Robert clears his scratchy throat and steadies himself. ''They think I may have a brain tumour.''

''Oh, R-R-Robert I'm sorry,'' Paddy says stunned by the news. ''That's why you've been avoiding Aaron isn't it?'' Robert nods and Paddy is struck by Robert's determination to protect his pseudo son. ''Wait, does that mean you went through all of this on your own?''

''Yeah, I couldn't tell Aaron not when I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't want to worry him for no reason.''

''You should've called me, or Chas, or Victoria and Diane!'' Paddy tells him.

''You're not exactly my biggest fan,'' Robert says as he stares over the edge of the bridge and into the water. ''Besides, the only person I would've wanted would've been Aaron and he's the one person I couldn't tell.''

''He would've wanted to be there,'' Paddy assures him. One thing Paddy is sure of is how protective Aaron is and how much he loves Robert. ''You need to tell him, Robert.''

''I can't!'' Robert cries as more tears run free. ''How am I meant to tell the man I love that I could die?''

It's the first time he verbalises _that_ word and it utterly breaks him. The thought of leaving Aaron, of being without him, it's too much to bare. Just when he finally got his life into this perfect place, with Aaron, with Liv, the house they have together, it was all going so well and now the rug got swept out from under them.

''You don't know that! Plenty of tumours are benign,'' Paddy reasons. ''I get that you immediately worry about the worst case scenario, but you don't know for sure. Please Robert, just tell Aaron. He needs to know. And I think you need him to know.''

  
....................................

Aaron's been sat in the dark for an hour staring at his phone and waiting for Robert to contact him. He'd been up and down the village numerous times and couldn't find Robert anywhere. He even drove out of the village and up to the Hotten bypass with his heart thudding expecting any second to come across a crash site and see Robert's car in the wreckage, but nothing. The relief he felt driving back into the village was short lived the moment he saw the still empty driveway. It wasn't like Robert to not call or text for this long.

The second he hears the door he springs to his feet from where he was sat in the kitchen and reaches the door just as Robert appears from the other side. He feels he can finally breathe again and he tugs Robert into his arms and just hold him. Everything is fine. Robert is fine. There was no need to worry at all.

''Where have you been?'' Aaron asks as he releases Robert from his hold. ''And why didn't you ring me? I've been worried sick!''

It's only then that he sees the haunted look on his husbands face. He looks utterly drained and empty. A hollow shell of the usual happy, cocky and vibrant man that usually stands in front of him.

''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you.''

Aaron hears the quaver in his voice. Can see the light extinguished in Robert's usual bright and beautiful eyes. ''Robert what's wrong?''

''I need to tell you something.'' He moves toward the seating area taking hold of Aaron's hand as he passes by and they sit close together on the couch. ''I don't really know how to say this, or where to start really...''

Scooting even closer and holding Robert's trembling hands in his own he tries to give the support and comfort that he recognises Robert needs. ''Just start from the beginning.''

''I had another headache. A really bad one and I collapsed at the scrapyard.''

''Robert!'' Aaron tries to contain himself, but the panic takes over as he chastises him for not telling him. ''Why didn't you call me right away?''

''I didn't want to worry you not until I had some answers.''

''What do you mean answers?''

''I made an appointment with Doctor Cavanaugh, that's where I was instead of meeting you at lunch.''

''And what did he say?'' Aaron can feel it. All day he had this feeling deep down in his gut that there was something deeply wrong with Robert and his worst fears were about to come to life in front of his very eyes.

''He did a load of tests and he seem concerned about something and sent me to Hotten General for an MRI.''

Everything is starting to come clear as Robert fills in the gaps and Aaron feels his heart submerge into the murkiest of water and he's absolutely terrified that it's about to sink with every new word Robert says. ''I was supposed to wait for the results, but I demanded the doctor to at least tell me what he suspects and he told...'' Robert finally breaks and starts to cry and that's the moment Aaron's heart sinks to the bottom. ''He thinks I may have a brain tumour.''

He doesn't know what to do or to say. On instinct he just holds his crying husband and whispers over and over again that it will all be okay. That they'll get through this. They'll do it together. But Robert's next words are a knife straight to his heart.

''But what if we don't? What if I don't make it?''

From the deepest depths Aaron summons some strength. He has to be strong for Robert. He holds Robert's face between his hands and makes him look at him. ''We don't know what we're dealing with yet, okay? It might not be as bad as you think. You said yourself it's only the doctors suspicion. It's not official. So, we're going to carry on like normal until we're told otherwise.''

He strokes Robert's endless tears away with a delicate swipe of his thumb and kisses his cheek before hugging him close. He wants to protect him. And in that moment he never wants to let him go.

.................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert finally gets an official diagnosis. Robert stuns Aaron. Meanwhile, Aaron is struggling to remain strong.

Aaron’s eyes sting. The lids feel heavy as he fights against the need to sleep. Instead as the hours ticked on by he just watched the clock go round and kept his eyes on Robert. He told himself he was being silly, that all their worrying would be for nothing, but he was too frightened to take his eyes off his husband. Every few minutes he would watch Robert, and despite the darkness of their bedroom Aaron could see his beautiful face down to every freckle perfectly. He had it memorised long ago and not for the first time that night the fear of losing him, of never being able to look at him first thing every morning and last thing at night shakes him to the core and he finds himself pulling Robert even tighter into his chest. 

 

The future they both wanted may now cease to ever exist and it breaks his heart. Their plans for a long, happy future, of growing old together could slip through their fingers. Robert could slip through his fingers. He knew losing Robert, living without him, would kill him. Robert was his world. Robert was everything.

 

The noise in his head gets quieter with every breath of Robert’s that he feels against his chest, so he gently holds him even tighter against his body. The warmth of him, the softness of his skin, his hair tickling against his chin as Robert’s head nestles into his neck grounds him. Reminds him that they haven’t got definitive answers yet. That the worst possible outcome he keeps imagining may not be what they have to face. He hopes with every fibre of his being that it’s not what they’ll have to face. 

 

Robert stirs slightly in his arms, but he doesn’t wake, he just buries his face even deeper into Aaron’s neck. Aaron wonders how Robert’s even managing to sleep, wonders how he managed to switch off because he was asleep the moment they cuddled up in bed that night. Both of them wanting the other close. Then he realises all that worry that Robert carried on his shoulders that day, the fear he kept inside and dealt with alone probably exhausted him. All the waiting, all the tests, finding the courage to tell him, all those emotions raging and swirling were bound to take a toll and it’s no wonder he was out for the count and sound asleep in his arms within minutes. 

 

But for Aaron the fear was too much. He was too scared to close his eyes. Too scared that he would wake up and the love of his life would be gone.

 

The next time he looks over at the bedside clock he notices the alarm is due to go off. He reaches out for his phone, careful to not jostle Robert and rouse him, and cancels his alarm. He extricates himself from the heat of Robert’s body and their bed and tip toes over to Robert’s side and does the same with Robert’s early morning wake up call. He can’t help himself from having one last lingering look at Robert, thinking how peaceful and adorable he looks. His long eyelashes casting shadows across his cheekbones, his lips slightly parted with every soft breath he takes, his hair free of any product laying flat against his forehead and his alabaster skin adorned with freckles glowing in the early morning light. He kisses his forehead deciding to let him rest in bed for however long he needs.

 

He potters around the kitchen on autopilot. Sits at the dinner table munching slowly through a piece of toast and sipping his tea, but all that fills his mind is the man sleeping upstairs. He already feels too far away. He fights the urge to climb back into bed and just stay there with Robert and block out the rest of the world, but he knows he can’t hide from this. He can’t run from this. And he can’t bury his head in the sand. 

 

Thundering steps down the stairs startles him and it’s only then he realises his tea’s gone cold. Liv emerges like a whirlwind, dropping her school bag on the couch, thrusting all the books she’ll need that day into it and whizzing around the kitchen to quickly make some toast for herself. He’s jealous. Wishes he was blissfully ignorant, wishes he wasn’t carrying around such pain anguish. It dawns on him then that whatever is wrong with Robert they’ll have to tell her and that isn’t something he’s eager to do. 

 

“You not going to work?” Liv asks as she takes note of him still in the grey sweatpants he went to bed in. 

 

“No, day off,” he lies. He can’t face telling her now. Besides, that would be Robert’s call. “Might go in later.”

 

“Skiver,” she fires at him with a cheeky smile. “Where’s Rob?”

 

“Still asleep,” Aaron answers, his stomach turning hoping she doesn’t ask too many questions. He knows he’s likely to crack, he was barely able to keep a lid on his emotions in front of Robert all last night. 

 

“Shouldn’t you wake him? Or is he skiving too?”

 

“No, he’s just...not feeling too great.” It’s the first thing that comes to mind and the words break his heart because he knows that’s the complete and honest truth.

 

“Another headache?” 

 

Aaron can hear the concern in his little sisters voice and apart of him wants to tell her, but he stands firm. “No. No, just a bit of a cold I think. He’ll be fine in a day or two.” 

 

“Where was he last night?” She was upstairs most of the night, but heard him return.

 

“Stuck in traffic.”

 

“For that long?” Liv scoffs.

 

Aaron can see her questioning and examining his every lie. He can’t deal with this. Not now. He doesn’t mean to, the last thing he wants to do is upset her but he can’t control himself as he snaps. “Liv will you stop asking questions and just go to school!”

 

He sees her face fall and with a surly huff she hauls her bag onto her shoulder, grabs her coat and slams the front door. The very second she’s gone Aaron feels guilt gnawing away at him. He can feel the tears building, so close to falling but he pulls himself together as he hears soft footsteps approach. He looks up to see Robert stopping half way down the stairs clutching his phone tightly.

 

“Robert, what is it?” 

 

“That was Doctor Cavanaugh, they rushed my results through. He wants to see me today.”

 

......................

 

The second they both sat down opposite Dr. Cavanaugh Robert felt the dread set heavy and like lead in his stomach. The atmosphere, the look on Cavanaugh’s face, it was all inevitable. The news would be bad. The only thing he could hope for was a chance. A chance that he could survive this. That he could get through this. That he could have the future with Aaron that he’s wanted so badly from the moment they first kissed in that lay-by. 

 

Robert’s static and barely registers the doctor speaking until Aaron’s hand finds his own and tethers him. His fingers knitted between his own and with the simplest of touches Robert finds the courage to try and face this. Whatever it may be. 

 

“As I said on the phone we rushed through the results of your MRI and I’m sorry to say it’s not good news.”

 

Despite knowing in his gut what was to come, hearing it said aloud makes Robert’s heart sink. It makes it real. This is the reality he has to live with. He realises that what they say is right nothing can ever prepare you for this.

 

“How bad are we talking?” Aaron asks, and Robert hears the waver in his voice. Most people wouldn’t, but he recognises the slightest change in Aaron. From the sound of his voice, in the way he moves, to the look in his eye. They know each other inside and out and Robert is petrified at having to leave him behind.

 

“I’m sorry but we’ve determined that the tumour is malignant. We believe it to be a grade three astrocytoma.”

 

“But there’s a grade 4 right?'' Aaron says his head full of newly acquired knowledge that he tried to soak up like a sponge the previous evening.  ''So that’s gotta be a good thing, right?” 

 

Robert is grateful for Aaron asking all these questions, for him to be holding it together, because right now he’s not sure he’ll even be able to form a single sentence. He feels hollow, like everything has been ripped out of him and he’s nothing but an empty vessel waiting for the day he ceases to exist.

 

“Yes, that correct...”

 

“So what happens next? Is there an operation? Or chemo? What is it? What do we do?” Aaron reels off question after question.

 

Robert stares at him, or more stares into Aaron and his heart breaks seeing his beautiful blue eyes clouding over with fear, panic and the threat of tears. He knows Aaron’s trying to be strong for him, to keep himself together for his sake and all he wants is to protect him. To take him away from this. To rewind and never tell him the truth so he doesn’t have to live with this. He doesn't want to be the cause of Aaron's pain. Not again. Not after all they've been through.

 

“Unfortunately, surgery is not an option at the moment. The tumour is too close to vital areas of the brain to make it a viable option. It could do much more harm than good.” Cavanaugh explains. 

 

“So what options do we have?” 

 

Robert can tell Aaron’s fraying at the seams as his tone had much more bite to it than before. He wants answers. He wants a clear way forward. And the shattered pieces of Robert’s heart break that little bit more knowing there’s only one way this will end.

 

“Chemotherapy,'' The doctor confirms. ''We hope with an aggressive treatment plan the tumour will shrink enough that surgery will then become an option.”

 

“Okay,” Aaron nods resolutely. If that’s the plan then that’s what they’ll do. “Robert?”

 

He’s numb now. He can’t feel a thing anymore. Not even Aaron’s hand squeezing his own. Every voice in his head is screaming that this has only one possible ending.

 

“Robert?” Aaron’s hand is on his shoulder and he finally meets his gaze. It’s only then that he realises he’s crying. That they’ve already left tracks down his face and drop marks on his shirt. “Hey, it’s alright we're gonna get through this.”

 

“This isn’t a death sentence, Robert,'' Cavanaugh attempts to reassure him. ''You have plenty of options that can hopefully help and save your life.”

 

“Hopefully? But they might not,” he already feels defeated. There isn’t a point in fighting this. There isn’t a point in picking up his shield and sword and going to war. “There’s a chance I could die isn’t there?”

 

“Robert...” 

 

“Just answer the question!” Robert finally snaps. “This could kill me?”

 

“It could, but we are a long way from that.”

 

“How long?”

 

''Robert don't...'' 

 

He can hear the crack in Aaron's voice and he hates that he's making this worse for him, but he needs to know. If there's an end date in sight he needs to know when and so he demands to know again.

 

“There’s no way to determine that...”

 

“How long?” He growls through gritted teeth. He needs to know how much longer he’ll have with his family. With his soulmate.

 

“Typically patients with your type and grade of tumour live up to three years.”

 

3 years. That’s all the time he has. The world just stops for a split second and all he wants is to disappear with Aaron. To just be with him and live together happily with the future they’ve discussed so much over the last year. He really thought they would have it. That it was their destiny. He should’ve known it was nothing but a hopeless dream.

 

He can’t stay in this room any longer. He’s been in far too many doctors rooms in the last 24 hours. He suddenly stands and flies out of the door. He hears Aaron calling his name and rushing after him. Everything is closing in on him. His heart pounds in his chest and his legs give out just as he reaches the car. He slumps against the side and the next thing he knows he’s wrapped up in Aaron’s arms and all he can manage to do is cry.

 

..................................... 

 

The drive home was quiet with nothing to hear but the revs of the car engine and the tyres rolling over tarmac. Robert watches an endless blur of green scenery as field after field of familiar countryside rushes by the passenger window. His eyes were open, he could see the world outside, but all his senses felt dulled. Nothing really registered and all that consumed him was the word ‘cancer’.

 

His emotions were all over the place. One minute he felt overcome and just felt the need to sob into Aaron chest all over again. Then he fleetingly felt determined to fight with everything he had in him. But then he would crumble and remember Cavanaugh saying he could have only years. Only a couple of years left at best before he would be ripped away from his world. Ripped away from Aaron. 

 

He can see Aaron out of the corner of his eye and with every look at his husband his heart just shatters. He wanted years with Aaron. Years full of happiness and love and family. He wanted to give Aaron all that and more. Now instead of fulfilling the love of his life’s dreams he’s dragged him into a nightmare and he can’t help but feel guilty. 

 

He has put Aaron through far too much already. He caused him so much pain in the past with everything that happened with Katie and constantly hiding him in the shadows so he could be with Chrissie. He swore the moment they got back together after the trial when they finally became official he would be someone Aaron could rely on and he meant every single word. He would protect Aaron, he would care for Aaron and he would love Aaron like no one else ever has.

 

Now more than ever he felt the need to do that.

 

It was then that he noticed which country road they were driving down. One that held a cherished memory. A memory that changed his entire life. One simple lay-by, on one simple road, on the outskirts of one simple village. 

 

“Can you pull over?” 

 

“What here?” Aaron asks as he takes a quick glance across at Robert. 

 

“Yes, please just stop the car.” Robert pleads as he already feels the fragile edges of his heart start to weaken at what’s about to come.

 

As soon as Aaron pulls into the lay-by and the cars in neutral Robert is out the door taking steps, deep breaths and desperately trying to withhold more tears. He knows they will spill over the moment he tells Aaron what’s on his mind. They’ll rush and fall faster than a dam bursting and he would be quite content to just drown in them. There would be no point in continuing after this.

 

Aaron’s footsteps on the worn gravel behind make him turn and he can see the nostalgic twinkle in his eyes. He’s sure it’s probably mirrored in his own because all he can think of is the first time Aaron’s lips were on his own. The way Aaron’s stubble felt against his skin. How his body felt in his arms. That day meant so much to him. It was the real start of his life. Where he found that missing piece.

 

Aaron took hold of his hand and guided them so they were perched on the bonnet, his thumb running back and forth in a soothing motion and he knows Aaron’s waiting for him to say something, but the words echoing in his head are the hardest words he’ll ever have to say. 

 

He takes a deep breath and looks around them. The blue sky, the green fields, the calm breeze, the bright sun, the distant sounds of bird calls, his entire world was crumbling and yet to the rest of the world everything was normal.

 

He finally looks back to Aaron and he feels such a rush of love. He’s never loved anyone like he loves him. Not a single person comes close. His love for Aaron Dingle was all consuming. It was life affirming.

 

“My life changed at this very spot. You changed my life, Aaron. You made it okay to be me. You made me proud to be me. Now more than ever I wish I could have realised all that so much sooner.”

 

Aaron lets out a stuttering breath and holds Robert’s hand just that little bit tighter. “You changed my life too. You’ve made my life so much better.”

 

“I hate that I wasted so much time. I wish I could go back and not be afraid. I wish I could have that year back. Instead of denying who I was and how I felt about you I wish I was brave enough to tell you I fell for you the moment I first saw you.”

 

Aaron chuckles through tear filled eyes. “Yeah, right! I was just some scumbag who was involved in stealing your car.”

 

“No,” Robert replies defiantly. “You were this fit bloke who had the most beautiful blue eyes. Who didn’t take any of my bullshit. The guy that pushed me up against a wall and left me desperate to kiss him.”

 

“You got what you wanted soon after,” Aaron smiles as he looks at the very spot in the middle of the road where they stood and shared their first kiss.

 

“I knew from the moment we first kissed nothing and no one else would ever come close. You were it for me, Aaron. You were all I wanted.”

 

“You were all I wanted too. I couldn’t get the picture of your stupid smug smile out of my head.” Aaron laughs as he playfully nudges Robert’s shoulder with his own. “Then soon after I could never stop picturing your real smile. The one you seem to save just for me.”

 

“I love you so much, Aaron.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

The words catch in Robert’s throat. He pulls his hand away and he sees the questioning look in Aaron’s eyes as if he seems to know what’s about to come. He doesn’t want to say those words. His heart cracks further, coming so close to shattering irreparably, but he forces them out. “We’re done, Aaron.”

 

“Done? What do you mean?”

 

“We’re over.” He fights with himself. Willing himself to stay strong. “This is where I found you and here is where I’m letting you go.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere!” Aaron’s voice breaks as he tries to reach out for Robert, but he pulls away again and walks away from the car. “Robert, I know what you’re doing. I’m not letting you do this!”

 

“I’m not giving you a choice,” Robert keeps his eyes fixated on the road ahead because he knows if he looks back, if he meets Aaron’s eyes he’ll give in. He’ll run right back into his arms and he can’t. He can’t put Aaron through this. “We both know how this is going to end and I’m not putting you through it.”

 

Aaron shakes his head, strides up to Robert and spins him round. “Do you really think I’d be able to do that? That if you’re out of sight you’ll be out of mind? That’ll be even worse!”

 

“Aaron, please,” he begs. “Just walk away.”

 

“You never walked away,” Aaron reminds him. “Through Gordon, through the trial, through the months I was in prison. Not once did you let me push you away. No matter how hard I tried and I’m glad, because we got through all that together. And this...this isn’t going to be any different, do you hear me?”

 

“Please,” Robert can feel his resolve faltering. Every little part of him is just crying out for Aaron. “This is your chance, Aaron. Take it.”

 

“Look at me.” Aaron cradles Robert’s face in his hands and makes him look at him and then Robert’s tear filled eyes meet his own. “I am never going to walk away from you. I love you and we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together, do you hear me? You are going to beat this! We will beat it together!”

 

“Aaron...”

 

“No. No arguments. I love you, Mr. Dingle and I’m gonna be there with you every step of the way.”

 

Robert nods as the tears run and he falls into Aaron’s waiting arms.

 

.....................

 

A faint stream of moonlight breaks through the darkness and Aaron can see Robert is still fast asleep. He went out like a light again from the moment they got into bed. Aaron knows his body must be extremely exhausted and his mind even more so. He can see the emotional toll it’s taken already and it makes him even more scared of what’s to come. 

 

Aaron holds him close, holds him tightly as if Robert is grains of sand that could slip through his fingers at any time. Hour after hour he keeps himself close, his chest pressed against Robert’s back, a protective arm around his middle and their legs tangled beneath the sheets and although Robert is peaceful in his arms Aaron is unable to join him.

 

No matter how hard he tries sleep alludes him. He keeps closing his eyes but every time the events of the past few days just replay over and over again. They’re scorched into his memory and every few minutes he cant stop himself from checking on Robert. Making sure he’s still on his side of the bed, still right there beside him, safe and sound.

 

He finally gives up trying and his phone tells him it’s 4.37am. He rubs at his sore eyes and he knows he needs rest, his body needs it, his mind needs it, especially if he’s going to remain strong for Robert, but he can’t switch his brain off. Every word the doctor said, all the medical knowledge he’s researched, every single look and word from Robert that tears his heart out, it all swirls around into a storm inside his head.

 

He’s been trying so hard to keep the blind panic and fear of losing Robert buried and to wear a mask to shield his true emotions, but inside he knows he’s breaking and he can’t do that when Robert needs him so badly.

 

Through so many tough times over the years Robert has been there to lean on, he’s been an unrelenting and towering source of strength, always trying to protect him, even now when he’s the one with cancer he still tried by giving him a chance to walk away and Aaron knows this time that has to be his role. Robert needs him to be his confidante, his source of strength, his protector and he is determined to be exactly that. He will be there for Robert through every moment, every step of the way, but the facade he can already feel slipping away. The struggle to remain strong is getting harder with every passing minute.

 

He glances over at his sleeping husband and not for the first time it hits him like a truck that this is a sight that could be stolen from him far too soon. That Robert will be taken from him. That their future they dreamed about would go up in smoke. Aaron can suddenly feel the cracks deepening already. He knows the walls he’s constructed are fragile and about to implode. The weight on his shoulders is just too heavy and as quietly as he can he leaves the bed and makes his way downstairs to the kitchen. 

 

He gulps down a glass of water at the sink trying desperately to reinforce his defences but he makes the mistake of glancing at his phone and there staring back at him is the lock screen of him and Robert on their wedding day and it’s just too much to handle. That treasured photo is now bittersweet. They were so happy that day. He could finally call the love of his life his husband and now by a cruel twist of fate he could lose him. 

 

All his remaining strength vanishes and like a great castle under attack the walls are breached, the fort he built around his emotions is in ruins and everything collapses around him. 

 

The tears run like rivers, his knees buckle and he slides down until he’s a sobbing heap. He tries valiantly to keep quiet, to not alert Robert or Liv to his grief, he has to hide it and deal with it on his own, but he can’t stop crying his heart out all alone on the kitchen floor.

 

................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For little updates and for the occasional sneak peek you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Robert and Aaron finally tell the heartbreaking truth to Liv? Aaron’s losing grip on his emotions. Will Aaron resort to old coping mechanisms?

For the first time since his diagnosis Robert woke up to an excruciating pain at his left temple and Aaron felt helpless as he sat beside him trying to comfort him. There was nothing he could do to alleviate the pain, he couldn’t even hold Robert close as the agony caused Robert to fidget constantly. Nevertheless he stayed beside him in their bed, made sure to block out any source of light or noise, got ice to press against his head, a glass of water and gently ran his fingers through Robert’s hair when he could to let him know he was still with him.

Hours passed before the pain eased and Robert finally fell asleep and after coming downstairs Aaron found himself on the couch staring into the black screen of the TV. His entire mind was consumed with nothing but Robert and the absolute terror of losing him. They had been through so much over the years and the moment everything was going well and the family was settled this comes along to tear their world apart. It wasn’t fair and Aaron’s fear and sadness met with rage.

“I’m going out,” A surly Liv announces. “Meeting up with Gabby and Jacob.”

Ever since he snapped at her a few mornings back Liv has been icy with him. He didn’t mean to upset her, and he knows he needs to apologise but right now he has more important things on his mind.

“Fine,” he hears himself say robotically.

“Fine.” She replies with a huff, punctuating her displeasure with a final slam of the front door.

Again guilt gnaws at Aaron, but he just can’t bring himself to deal with it right now. His entire being is consumed with the man asleep upstairs. Knowing everything that loomed on the horizon was utterly terrifying for Aaron and he can’t even begin to imagine how Robert is feeling. He could see the fear in green eyes grow the moment Cavanaugh showed up at their house late yesterday evening. He came round after their rather sharp exit the day prior when Robert got his official diagnosis and he came to inform them there is a chemotherapy appointment ready for him in two weeks time. Cavanaugh’s announcement made it all seem so real. That this was actually happening to Robert. That he was fighting for his life and it chilled him to the bone. As for Robert he had been quiet ever since. He barely spoke a word before they went to bed and now he’s laid up in bed with an excruciating headache. It was so much to handle and Aaron can feel the heavy weight more and more with each passing day. He can feel it pulling him under. He knows he struggling and then he feels utterly pathetic that he’s feeling this when Robert is the one with cancer. He has no right, he must compartmentalise his own feelings and focus solely on what Robert wants and needs from now on. Robert is all that matters.

He stands from the couch intent on checking on his husband when there’s a knock at the door. He fights the urge to ignore it, the last thing he wants is to make small talk or pretend everything is okay to his mum or Vic, and answers it.

“Hiya,” Paddy says. “I just wanted to come round and see ya.”

“Check up on us, ya mean?” Aaron replies as he steps back inside leaving Paddy to follow. “Robert told me that you know.”

“Well, I knew there was a possibility. Has he been back to the doctors?” With one look at Aaron Paddy gets an answer and he rushes over to hug him. “I’m so sorry, Aaron.”

Momentarily Aaron is grateful for the comfort, to have someone support him and then he grows angry at himself for being so selfish and rips himself way from the embrace. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Robert’s going to be fine.”

“Of course,” Paddy says, but he can see the denial in Aaron. It’s serious and his heart sinks for his pseudo son. “What did the doctor say?”

“That it’s cancerous and they can’t operate. Not yet anyway.” Those words are still like a knife to his heart. Every time  
he says or even thinks them the knife twist that little bit deeper.

“Why not?”

“The tumour is too close to certain parts of the brain.” Aaron explains with a heavy sigh. “They can’t take the risk of doing more harm than good.”

“So what happens now?”

“Robert starts chemotherapy in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s...erm...quick. I guess that’s erm...good,” Paddy waffles. “Where is Robert?”

“Upstairs,” Aaron answers with a glance toward the spiral staircase and an overwhelming need to go check on him. “He woke up with a headache.”

“And how are you doing?” Paddy asks full of concern. He may not have been the biggest supporter of Aaron’s relationship with Robert, but he knows how much they love one another and how much this would hurt Aaron.

“I’m fine,” Aaron lies, irritated by the question. Robert’s well-being is the priority not his!

“Aaron, we both know...”

“Do you want a cup of tea? Coffee?” He interrupts knowing his temper will flare if Paddy carries on.

“Aaron...”

“I told you I’m fine!” Aaron seethes. “So, just drop it!”

“Sorry,” Paddy holds his hands up in almost surrender. “Have you told your mum?”

“No, we haven’t told anyone. Robert wants to keep it between us for the time being so don’t say a word.”

“Of course. I won’t say a thing, but you know your mum will want to be there for you.”

“You don’t get it do you?” Aaron hisses finally snapping. “This isn’t about me! I’m not the one with a brain tumour, Robert is! He’s all that matters!”

“I didn’t mean...I just meant...”

“Just drop it, Paddy!”

“What’s going on?” They both look round to see Robert on the stairs looking exhausted and pale.

“How long have you been up?” Aaron asks whilst immediately bolting off the couch and meeting Robert at the bottom of the stairs. “I told you to stay in bed and I’d fetch and carry for you.”

“You weren’t there to boss about,” Robert jokes with a faded smirk. “Besides, I heard voices. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course it is.” Aaron glares at Paddy in a silent warning as they sit on the couch. “Isn’t it, Paddy?”

“Yeah, yes all good,” Paddy follows Aaron’s lead. “I just came round to see how you’re doing.”

“Oh, right,” Robert said uncomfortably. Despite the fact he’d already poured his heart out to Paddy he wasn’t really keen to talk more about the situation. In fact, he didn’t really want anyone to know. He knew that was a futile wish as sooner or later the illness would take hold and they’d have to explain, but for now all he wanted was Aaron. “I’m fine.”

“Seems to be a theme,” Paddy replies as he glances at Aaron. The angry fire in Aaron’s eyes is enough of a warning for Paddy to drop the subject, but he can see clear as day that both men were struggling and needed more support than just each other. “I should probably get back to the vets, but I’ll...erm...come round again soon.”

“Thanks, Paddy,” Aaron forces out keeping up the charade in front of Robert. He walks over to the door to see Paddy out and he can see the concern in Paddy’s face, but he can’t go against Robert’s wishes.

“Paddy?” Robert calls out and waits for both men to poke their heads back into the living room. “I...just wanted to say thanks for the other day at the bridge. You were right and I really appreciated it.”

“No problem,” Paddy throws up a hand in a goodbye to Robert and can’t resist taking one last chance with Aaron. “I know he doesn’t want to tell anyone and I understand that, but just remember when he’s ready we will all be here. For the both of you.”

Paddy suddenly turns and makes his way up the drive and Aaron watches him leave contemplating his words. He knows they can’t keep it a secret for long and hiding it from the ever perceptible Liv is getting harder and harder. He closes the outer door and finds Robert stood just inside their home looking pensive.

“He’s right,” Robert sighs. “We should tell them.”

“You heard?”

“I heard you both when I was upstairs. And they’ll find out sooner or later.” Robert admits begrudgingly. He knows he isn’t ready, but the one luxury he doesn’t have anymore is time.

“You’re not ready for everyone to know though,” Aaron says as he holds Robert at the waist. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“How long can we keep putting it off for? They’ll all get suspicious wondering where we are. Why we aren’t at work. Why I’m in bed all the time and throwing up.” Robert stops himself there, he doesn’t want to think about anything else that may come. Not until he has to. “And we both know Liv is already suss.”

Aaron nods reluctantly and gently rests his forehead against Robert’s. “Lets just take it one step at a time. Everyone else can wait for the time being, but...”

“But,” Robert interrupts to finish his husbands sentence. “We should tell Liv.”

“Only if you’re ready.” Aaron states, and Robert knows if he asks Aaron will continue to hide it, but he feels like Liv needs to know. She deserves to know. She’s a part of their little family.

“I am,” Robert wraps his arms round Aaron and rests his head on his shoulder. “We’ll tell her tonight.”

..........

Sitting around the kitchen table waiting for Liv to come home was almost amusing to Robert. It almost looked like they were waiting to stage some sort of intervention. He imagines Liv thought the same as she stopped dead in her tracks the second she saw them sat there looking serious.

Aaron asks her to sit down and instantly her defences are up and she’s denying any wrongdoing. “Liv stop. You’re not in any kind of trouble we just need to talk to you.”

Both men could practically see her breathe a sigh of relief as she sat down in an empty chair. “About what?” Liv quizzes as she eyes them suspiciously.

Robert and Aaron share a glance and an unspoken conversation between them results in Aaron taking the lead. “I’m not really sure where to start...” he tails off. Then takes a deep breath and bites the bullet. “You know Robert’s been suffering with those headaches? Well, he’s been to the doctors and it turns out to be a little more than just headaches. A lot more actually.”

“What is it?” Liv asks as her gaze flicks back and forth between the two men with an ever growing sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Robert’s heartbreaks that little bit more as he sees Aaron hesitate and tears start to pool in the corner of his eyes. He tries to steel himself. He reminds himself it’s something he’s going to have to get used to. The word cancer is going to take over his life.

With another glance at his emotional husband it’s then that he decides he must step in. “I...erm...” he falters and tries to steady his wavering voice. He feels Aaron’s hand hold onto his own and he manages to push the words out. “I...I have a brain tumour, Liv.”

The silence is deafening.

Again Liv looks from Robert to Aaron and back again as if waiting for one of them to laugh and tell her it’s some kind of stupid and inappropriate joke, but she can see the unshed tears glistening in Aaron’s eyes and the way Robert’s staring unflinchingly down at the table top.

“Cancer?” She finally manages to say, barely above a whisper.

All Robert can do is nod. He hates this. He hates it so much. He feels like a burden. Like he’s dragging everyone down with him and there’s nothing he can do about it.

“Are you gonna die?”

Robert can’t manage to answer this time. Those words ringing in his ears like an alarm. Liv looks to Aaron just as he’s wiping away streams of tears down his cheeks.

“No, he’s not,” Aaron answers fiercely with his grip tightening on Robert’s hand. He cannot even begin to entertain that possibility. “He starts chemotherapy in a couple of weeks and then hopefully he’ll be able to have surgery to remove it.”

“Why can’t you just have surgery now?”

“It’s just not an option at the moment, but with the chemo we’re hoping it will be,” Aaron explains as he smiles over at Robert as if in reassurance.

“I’m sorry we kept it from you, but I just needed time.” Robert says.

“You don’t have to apologise,” Liv replies as she stands. “I erm...I’m gonna go to my room.”

As she rushes off Aaron looks to Robert with a look of confusion. He expected more questions. He expected more of a reaction. Instead his sister had practically dismissed what she had been told.

“Liv wait!” He rushes after her and looks up at her as she stops halfway up the spiral staircase. “Are you okay? I mean, you don’t have any questions? Or do you not wanna just stay down here with us?”

“No, I’m good,” Liv steals a quick look at Robert hunched over still sat at the table before quickly averting her gaze.

“I’m sorry if I upset you. I know I’ve been moody lately...”

“Forget it,” Liv interrupts his apology. “I get it now.”

Aaron nods at her and before he can say any more she bounds up the remaining stairs and disappears into her room.

............

Leaving the Mill has become somewhat of a rare occurrence for Aaron lately, but food was running low and they had nothing for dinner so he decided to nip out to pick something up for them.

After leaving the shop he looked down the road towards the Woolpack. He’s been avoiding it as he knew his Mum would ask a lot of questions. Never mind anyone else that stuck their nose in. The village was a small place and full of gossips and the Woolpack was the epicentre for exactly that. He knew full well that his and Robert’s absence wouldn’t have gone unnoticed, certainly by his mum. So reluctantly and with a heavy sigh he trundles toward the pub with the intention of just swinging by for a minute to see Chas.

The second he’s through the door Chas spots him. “Hello, stranger! Where the hell have you been?”

Aaron sits at the bar already regretting the decision to show his face. Every question just reminds him of what he’s hiding and it gets more and more painful every time. “I’ve just been busy.”

“And Robert? I haven’t seen him either. I was about to send out search party for you both.” Chas jokes.

Aaron forces out a fake laugh and tries to brush her off. “Sorry, I guess we didn’t realise how long it’s been.”

“So, everything is okay then?” Chas asks her motherly ways coming to the forefront.

He momentarily freezes. Everything isn’t okay. It’s the farthest thing from okay. His world is spinning at a million miles an hour and he just wants everything to stop. He hears his mother call his name and he wills himself to keep it together.

“Yeah, we’re all good,” the lie tasting more and more bitter on his tongue. “Like I said I’ve just been busy.”

“And Robert? How is he doing? He’s not still getting those headaches is he?”

He doesn’t know what to say. He tries to hide the anguish he feels and the stab to his heart. “He’s erm...he’s still struggling, but the doctor told him it’s nothing.” He answers keeping it vague.

His mind floods with Robert and he already feels the magnetic pull to return to him. They’ve been in each other’s pockets for weeks now, but he can’t handle being away from him. The fear inside just compels him to make sure he’s safe and well.

“Speaking of your husband,” Nicola pipes up from one of the tables having been clearly eavesdropping on their conversation. “Is he going to show up to work again any time soon?”

Aaron didn’t even notice her when he came in and the regret he feels about coming to the pub instantly multiplies. The last thing he wants to deal with is an interrogation. “He’ll be back soon.”

“Yes, that’s what I’ve heard for weeks!” Nicola moans. “How about you get him some paracetamol, tell him to stop being lazy and get his butt back to work!”

“How about you stop sticking your nose in!” Aaron fires back already feeling the anger that’s built inside and been bubbling away for weeks start to boil.

“Excuse me, but he has a business to run! Me and Jimmy can’t do it all!”

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a waste of space maybe you would be able to cope without Robert for five minutes!” Aaron yells growing more and more frustrated.

“Calm down, love.” Chas says trying to diffuse the situation.

“No! I don’t need this muppet whinging at me!” Aaron snaps. The rage inside boils over and angry words just run free. “And if you come anywhere near Robert and start pestering him we’ll have a serious problem, do you understand me?”

He’s kept a lid on it for too long and it was only a matter of time before he lashed out. One person making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing and it would all just explode out of him. He almost feels the unbearable weight on his shoulders lighten as he lets out all his pent up emotions.

“How dare you!” Nicola scoffs as she reels from Aaron’s outburst.

“How dare me?” Aaron shakes his head, his face turning red. “Robert has carried that business on his back for years! So how about you stop being such an ungrateful cow!”

Nicola suddenly stands with her chair scraping against the floor and heads for the door. “I’m not just going to stand here and be insulted!” She screeches before flying out the door.

“What the hell was all that about?” Chas asks utterly shocked at the sudden eruption.

“Nothing,” Aaron sighs. No one understands what they’re having to deal with. What they’re having to go through. “I should get back.”

“Aaron!” Chas shouts after him as he heads to leave.

“Just drop it.” He warns before bashing his way through the doors. He knows his mum will be more suspicious than ever, but he can’t worry about that now. He just doesn’t have the energy to.

He takes a deep breath of fresh air and he feels the tears welling up. He isn’t sure he can keep doing this. He can’t keep this up. He can’t keep pretending everything is okay. But he knows he must. He knows he has to be strong for Robert. He tells himself that over and over like some sort of mantra with every step he takes back home.

As soon as he steps back into the Mill his eyes fall on his husband. He’s curled up on the couch, fast asleep and with a blanket draped over him. It hits Aaron like a ton of bricks that this vision could soon be nothing but a memory. Something he may never see again and the tears he’s been trying so hard to keep inside start to fall.

He moves closer and it’s only then he notices what Robert is holding onto. Their wedding photo. It’s clutched tightly to his chest and it all hits Aaron like a tidal wave. It suffocates him. His tears won’t stop and he tries unsuccessfully to suppress the sobs that shake his entire body. He stumbles to the kitchen in an effort to not rouse Robert. He can’t allow him to see him like this. He has to be Robert’s tower of strength. He can’t let him down.

But the fear of losing Robert rules him. It took him over the moment Robert told him he was sick. It constantly swims around in his head that he could die. He could lose his soulmate and it’s crushing him bit by bit.

No matter how hard he tries he can’t stop crying and his body heaves with every stuttering breath. He wipes at his eyes furiously and it’s only then that he notices it. It’s just lies there beside the sink. The light reflects off of it like a signal. It beckons him. He snatches it up and grips it so tightly it shakes within his grasp. He gulps down a final sob, grits his teeth, and stares into his reflection within the steel blade.

.........

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has his first chemo session. Aaron has a big scrap deal on the table, but it would mean leaving Robert. Robert and Liv have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there's been such a big gap between updates. I've had a lot going on and then the news about Ryan leaving didn't exactly help either! :(  
> I'll try and update more regularly from now on!

 

The day of Robert’s first chemotherapy session had arrived. It came by in a flash and both Robert and Aaron had got increasingly tense as the day drew closer. Stepping into the unknown, the fear of side effects, so much hope that the treatment will work, all of it spun round both their heads on an infinite loop. Robert was antsy the second they awoke and Aaron was grateful that their appointment was early in the morning so Robert wouldn’t have to stress or have his thoughts go into overdrive for hours and hours on end.

Locked away in the bathroom Aaron himself was anxious over what was to come. He knew he had to calm down, set his worries aside and just focus on supporting Robert and getting him through the day, but he was fraying at the seams. He swipes his hand through the condensation that fogged up the bathroom mirror during his shower and stares blankly into its reflection. A blurry version of himself resides in it, but everything around him is a desolate and black void. He feels numb. He feels guilty. It consumes him as he flashes back to a week ago in the kitchen with a knife in his hand.

For minutes he clutched the blade tightly in his fist. His body trembling as the monsters in his head goaded him. He pushed the knife to his stomach, the chill of the steel blade making him shiver and his skin prickle. He pushed, he could feel the pressure, but then he heard Robert fidget in his sleep and he suddenly came to his senses and dropped the blade as if it was scolding him into the sink. He came so close to falling back into old coping mechanisms. He almost let it get the best of him and he hates himself for it.

There’s a sudden knock on the bathroom door. “Aaron, you okay in there?” Robert asks. “You’ve been in there a while.”

He clears his throat and squashes down all the guilt and fear inside him and places the mask back onto his face. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute.”

The guilt has been eating him alive. If Robert ever found out it would destroy him. He would blame himself. Aaron knew what his husband was like and vows to keep his struggle to himself. He keeps telling himself that this isn't about him anyway, it's about Robert. Robert is the one fighting for his life. Robert is all that matters.

He dresses on autopilot and can’t bring himself to eat anything as his stomach is already in knots. He looks over to see Robert sat on their couch, his legs bouncing up and down nervously. They needed to get this over with. He glances at the clock and sees they’ve still got over an hour before they’re scheduled to be at the hospital, but if they stay here they’ll both go stir crazy.

“Ready?” He asks Robert as he picks up his car keys. Robert faintly nods and he can see the trepidation in his husbands eyes. He squeezes at his shoulder and kisses his cheek. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Robert nods as if trying to convince himself. “You’ll stay with me though, right?”

“Of course I will,” Aaron strokes his cheek with a gentle thumb. “Always.”

They both turn at the sudden thundering down the stairs that marks Liv’s arrival. She still hasn’t said anything to either of them since they told her about Robert's diagnosis. In fact she’s barely been around at all, instead choosing every free moment to spend with Gabby and Jacob. Aaron knows he needs to talk to her, to make sure she’s dealing with all this, but he just can’t handle her emotional baggage too. He knows it’s selfish, but he just can’t handle it right now. Another thing he feels guilty about.

“Are you off to the hospital?” Liv asks. Both answer with a nod and for a moment all three just stand there. They have no idea what to say or do. Liv then quickly closes the gap and throws her arms around Robert’s middle. His arms come round her small frame too, but very quickly she pulls back and disappears back up the stairs.

“Ready?” Aaron asks again and thinks what a stupid question that is! Of course he isn’t, it’s the last place Robert wants to be.

Robert takes hold of his hand and squeezes. “As I’ll ever be.”

.........................

The second they step into the out-patient ward both are taken aback by the amount of patients. They knew there would be others having their chemo sessions too, but not so many. It was a stark reminder just how many families have to face such a terrifying ordeal and how cancer comes in many forms, attacks in different ways and different parts of your body. Cancer attacks all walks of life, it doesn’t discriminate.

It’s all so overwhelming and Robert almost wants to retreat and bury his head in the sand, to pretend this isn’t happening to him, that this isn’t his life. He wants things to go back to normal, back to when they were happy, back to when he was blissfully unaware of what cruelty life had in store for him. He stays rooted to the spot however, with one thing keeping him there and that’s knowing this was the only way to have the long and happy future he dreams of with Aaron.

He moves forward almost robotically as the nurse guides him to an empty chair that he’s grateful is over in the corner where he can hide away that little bit better. The rational part of him knows that everyone in that room has bigger things to focus on than him, but he just doesn’t want to be gawped at and it makes him realise that sooner or later the entire village will know about his illness. That he'll be the main topic of village gossip and his heart sinks that little bit deeper. He sits in the chair, looks around the room and he's taken aback by what he sees. He can’t help but take note of how gaunt some patients look. How utterly drained they are. How they’ve lost their hair in patches or in some cases completely and it dawns on him then and there that he’s staring directly into his immediate future. All of that lays ahead of him and he can feel the tears welling up.

It’s as if Aaron is reading his mind because he feels Aaron’s hand hold onto his and give a comforting and settling squeeze. He breaks his gaze from all that surrounds him and instead opts to look at Aaron. Just Aaron. Only Aaron.

The nurse double checks the treatment plan they decided on with Dr. Cavanaugh, asks how Robert is feeling physically and then explains what she’s about to do. The nurse seems compassionate and efficient and makes quick work of hooking Robert up to the IV. She plays around with the machine, pushing buttons and Aaron still holds his hand, brushing a thumb back and forth over his skin in reassurance.

The nurse tells them he’s all set and if he starts to feel nauseous or he experiences any other side effects to press the button on the wall behind them before walking off and checking on another patient. Now they sit and wait for two hours whilst chemicals are pumped into his body and with every passing second Robert and Aaron find themselves wishing and hoping this will save his life.

.............

Aaron has been checking on him nonstop since they left the hospital, but despite feeling tired Robert felt okay so far. Once they were home Aaron insisted on him resting and set him up on the couch with some water and snacks while Aaron cleaned the house, rushed out to the shop and completed chores.

The two hour chemo session surprisingly passed by pretty quickly with Aaron there as a distraction. Aaron kept his spirits up and kept him from spiralling into despair at everything that was surrounding him. Aaron seemed so in tune with him, as if he could read him like a book and when he wobbled Aaron was there to stabilise him with a squeeze of the hand, some silly banter or a kiss on the cheek and Robert actually found himself leaving the outpatient clinic feeling positive that he could get through whatever the chemotherapy throws at him.

“No, of course I want to,” he hears Aaron say as he comes down the winding staircase with his phone pressed to his ear. “But it just isn’t possible right now. I appreciate the deal I really do, but I’ve got some personal stuff going on.”

Robert knows Aaron means him and the fear of being a burden on his husband strikes him hard. He knows the call is about business and they can't afford to miss out on big money deals.

“I can’t be away from home right now,” Aaron explains as he paces around the table in the kitchen. “I know it’s a lot of money to turn down, but I can’t go all the way to Scotland right now.”

“Aaron, what’s going on?” Robert eventually interrupts.

“Hang on a sec,” Aaron says to the caller and holds the phone away from his ear. “It’s a contractor in Scotland that I set up months back. They called about a scrap deal that needs picking up today.”

“So why aren’t you going?”

“You know why. I’m not leaving you here.” Aaron states with a tone that says there’s no point in arguing, but that’s never stopped Robert before.

“Well, how long will you be gone for on this scrap run?” Robert queries.

“It’s just an overnighter, but I’m not going!”

“Aaron, it’s one night! I’ll be fine! It’s good money, right?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter...” The door swings open and both men look over to see Liv arriving home before continuing. “You’ve just had your first chemo session. I’m not going. End of!”

“Going where?” Liv asks.

“Scotland on a scrap run. He thinks he can’t leave me for one night,” Robert sighs. He appreciates Aaron being there for him every step of the way since he told him, but he’s fussing far too much.

“I’m here. I’ll keep an eye on Rob,” Liv says to her big brother.

“I don’t need babysitting!” Robert huffs. “I feel fine.”

“I’ll give you hourly updates if you want?” Liv jokes and smiles conspiratorially with Robert at poking fun of her brother.

“You’re sure about this?” Aaron looks to Robert. “I’d rather be here.”

“I know you would, but we can’t let Holey Scrap suffer. I’m already missing work so we can’t have you walking away from business too!” Robert hauls himself off the couch and makes his way to Aaron. He kisses him softly and wraps his arms around his waist. “Go, I’ll be fine. In fact I’ll probably just be in bed the whole time which is where I’m going now.”

With another quick peck on the lips Aaron confirms he’ll go with a nod and watches Robert ascend the stairs. As soon as he’s out of earshot he strides up to Liv. “Are you sure about this? If you want me to stay...”

“Aaron! Just set up the scrap run!” She shakes her head and chuckles as she moves past him into the kitchen to dig through the cupboards for a snack.

Aaron agrees to the run and sets up times and a hotel room for the night in quick fashion. He hates the thought of being away from Robert for the entire night, it’s irrational but he feels like he’s abandoning him and what if something happens and he's not there.

“You’ll call me won’t you?” He worries. “If anything happens you’ll call straight away?”

Liv can see the worry pouring out of him and instead of mocking him she assures him that she will. “I promise I will. And I’ll look after him until you’re home.”

“Just make sure he has plenty of fluids and get him to eat something.”

“Stop worrying. We’ll be fine. Now go pack!”

.......................

A soft knock comes from his bedroom door and Robert props some pillows up behind him and sits back against the headboard before answering. “Yeah?” He smiles as Liv opens the door a fraction and pops her head in. “Hey, Liv.”

“I brought you some water,” she says as she slowly shuffles into the room.

“Thanks.” Robert takes the glass and has a few sips. “So, how much did Aaron nag you to check on me?”

Liv smirks and perches on the edge of the bed. “He made me promise to check on you every hour and text him afterward.”

Robert rolls his eyes at his overprotective husband, but his heart also cries out for him. It feels strange Aaron being so far away after having him so close for weeks. They’ve barely been apart and Robert finds himself missing the security of knowing Aaron is beside him. This whole experience has been terrifying and emotional and he’s been so thankful to have Aaron as his rock and now he’s without him he’s feeling a little vulnerable. Not that he would admit that to anyone, least of all Aaron. Aaron may be the strongest person he knows, but he can’t put anymore pressure on his shoulders.

“You are okay, aren’t you?” Liv questions.

“Yeah, of course I am,” Robert answers. “My body is a little tired, but other than that I’m fine.”

Liv nods before standing back up. “Do you need anything else?”

Robert isn’t blind. He’s seen how uncomfortable Liv has been around him since they told her the truth about his illness. She can barely look him in the eye and she’s been avoiding both himself and Aaron for the most part too. Her bedroom has practically become her hideout and he doesn’t want her to pull away from him or Aaron.

“Some company...” Robert tries to phrase it as nothing more than a suggestion. He doesn’t want to guilt her into spending time with him, but he really wants to figure out what’s going on in her head. He knows Aaron’s worried for her, but he’s taken up so much of Aaron’s time lately that he hasn’t had the chance to get to the bottom of it.

Liv shifts from one foot to the other. “You don’t want me hanging around.”

“Yeah, I do,” Robert affirms. “Do you know how boring it is just lying here in bed?” Robert says trying to convince her to stay despite the way his body is crying out for rest.

“What do you wanna do?” Liv shrugs as she takes tentative steps back to the bed.

“We can talk. Watch some films.” Robert explains as he nods to the TV that Aaron recently set up in their bedroom now that Robert would likely be spending more time there. “Whatever you want.”

“Okay,” Liv agrees and Robert is relieved to see a hint of a smile on her face.

“Why don’t ya go downstairs and pick whatever films and junk food that you want.”

It only takes a few minutes for Liv to return with a few movies and an arm full of snacks. Robert taps the empty side of the bed, Aaron’s side, and tells her to make herself comfortable. They opt for The Avengers: Infinity War as both are fans of the superhero genre and despite his protestations to the contrary Robert knows Aaron’s become a fan too because of him.

The hours fly by and before they know it the credits are rolling, empty crisp packets and chocolate wrappers are strewn over the duvet and both Robert and Liv are under the covers and surrounded by a mass of pillows and cushions trying to decide on what to watch next.

“You decide,” Robert tells Liv as he stands. “I’ll be back in a second.”

He intends to head to the bathroom, but as he gets to the bedroom door he feels a wave of dizziness hit him. Both hands shoot out to brace himself and they luckily find the door and he stays upright.

“Rob, are you okay?”

He can hear the concern in Liv’s voice and he hates that he’s the cause. He hears it in Aaron’s voice all the time too. “Yeah, I’m good. I just got up too fast.” He turns back to her with what he hopes is a reassuring smile and as the feeling dissipates he continues on to the bathroom.

Once there he practically falls to the floor as his weary legs buckle. He sits there on the cold tiles for a moment trying to collect himself. He reminds himself to take some deep breaths and that the feeling will soon pass. He feels so weak, but manages to haul himself up to the toilet and relieve himself. He washes his hands and stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He knows Liv will know he’s struggling if she sees him like this and he digs deep to find some energy. He puts a brave face on and makes his way back to the improvised cinema they’ve made.

“So, I decided on Guardians of the Galaxy,” Liv announces as soon as he steps foot in the room.

“That’s not the right order to watch the MCU!” Robert exclaims. “We should’ve watched Guardians before Infinity War.”

“Nerd!” Liv scoffs as she puts the disc in. “We can watch something else if you want?”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Robert climbs back into bed and he lets out a sigh of relief that he managed to get back there. He can feel his energy ebbing away and he’s not certain he’ll even make it halfway through the movie before he falls asleep, but nevertheless he presses play.

He can’t help himself from looking over at Liv periodically. He wants to talk to her, to check that she’s doing okay with all this, but he’s not sure on how best to approach the subject. She has been so evasive and barely talking, she just wasn’t herself and it’s not something he or Aaron can ignore.

As per usual Liv is perceptive and pauses the movie. “Just say it,” she says as she turns her attention to him.

“Say what?”

“Whatever it is you want to say,” Liv rolls her eyes at him and not for the first time he’s struck by how similar she can be to her big brother.

“I just wanted to check you were okay, I guess. You’ve been so quiet and distant since we told you,” Robert says. “We’ve been worried about you.”

“Sorry,” Liv says as she hangs her head, that is the last thing she wanted to do. The less stress on her brother and Robert the better. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine.”

“Of course we worry. You mean the world to us.” Robert tells her and puts a hand on her shoulder. He wants her to believe it. He needs her to believe it. Just in case the worst happens.

“You’ve got enough to deal with without me adding to it,” Liv whispers quietly as if she’s ashamed of having worried them.

“Liv, no matter what is going on right now you’re still important. Whatever you’re feeling matters. You don’t have to hide it from us, okay?” Robert urges her, trying to gently guide her into opening up.

“I’m just...scared.” She finally admits. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Rewind a couple years and you would’ve been happy to see the back of me,” Robert chuckles trying to lighten the mood, but he can see immediately she didn’t find it funny. “Bad joke.”

“When do you ever tell any good ones,” Liv fires back with a faint smile and Robert feels he’s back on even ground. He can handle banter with Liv. It’s a well practiced routine by now.

“Oh and you’re a top notch comedienne are ya?” Robert elbows her. Their laughter soon fades and the atmosphere turns serious. “I don’t intend to go anywhere, Liv. I’m gonna fight like hell to stay here with you and Aaron.”

Liv nods, but still keeps her gaze focused everywhere but at Robert. “For the first time in my life I feel like part of a family. I have people I can rely on. I have people I can trust and be myself with.”

“You know you and Aaron gave me the exact same thing, don’t you?” Robert asks. He feels the overwhelming need for her to know just how much she means to him. “Aaron changed my entire world. For the first time in my life I was truly myself and truly happy.”

“And then I came along and got in the way,” Liv mumbles and it breaks Robert’s heart to think she actually believes that.

“I did think that at the time. This surly, annoying little brat coming along was the last thing I wanted after finally being back with Aaron, but then I got to know you. I cared about you. And before I knew it I loved you like a little sister.”

“Really?” Liv asks with surprise as she finally looks up to meet Robert’s eye.

“You’re my little sister, Liv. I probably should’ve told you that long ago, but you are and I love ya.”

Before he knows it Liv has launched herself at him and he hugs her just as tightly as she is him. “I love you too, big bro,” Liv whispers through sniffs and tears.

He rests his chin on the top of her head and lets his own tears fall free and not for the first time he curses the fact the cancer struck the very moment he was happy and had it all. There were times in his life where his diagnosis wouldn’t have been so bad, times when he was lonely, sad and broken where he probably wouldn’t have even blinked an eye. But now he has it all to lose and he can’t bare it.

Liv wipes at her tears, but stays close. She’s hesitant to ask what’s on her mind, but forces it out. “Are you scared?”

The question is one he tries to avoid. One he always thought he would put a brave face on for. One where he would don the war paint ready to battle and stay strong. But he can’t. He’s so tired. He’s so fragile. And he just can’t hide it anymore.

“I’m petrified.” He finally says.

“You never seem it.”

“I have to be strong don’t I? For myself, for you, for Aaron,”

“No, you don’t! It’s our job to look after you, Rob. Let us,” Liv urges knowing how much of a barrier Robert can put up when he’s hurting most. She saw it more than anyone when Aaron was in prison. She could see him crumbling whilst everyone else never bothered to look beyond the surface.

“I guess I’m just worried if I fall apart once I’ll never be able to get it back together,” Robert hates people seeing him this vulnerable, but he just can't hide it any longer.

Tears well up in Liv’s eyes at seeing her brother-in-law looking so timid and small. They’ve been in each other’s lives for years and despite the awful circumstances she’s never felt closer to Robert than she does in that very moment. He’s letting her in. He’s baring his soul to her and those facts aren’t lost on her.

“Me and Aaron will help you, and when you’re ready to tell them the rest of the family will help too. Ya know what the Dingles are like...” Liv smiles slightly letting her words hang in the air.

“God, help me,” Robert scoffs, but a faint smile graces his face. He may have had trouble with the Dingles in the past, but since he and Aaron officially got together they have become more and more like family. He knew Liv was correct in her assumption too. The one thing you could say about the Dingle clan is that they look after their own and ever since he drank out of that disgusting welly at the wedding he’s been treated as an official Dingle. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Any time,” Liv smiles as she hugs him again.

“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” That was a massive understatement Robert thinks to himself as soon as he says it. He can’t quite hide the happy smile as he thinks how far they have truly come. Liv is one of the most important people in his life and that moody teenager that got him arrested once he loves with all his heart.

“You mean when you found me irritating?” Liv reminds him.

“I still do” Robert teases. “We didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, did we?”

“You mean when I kicked you in the balls?”

Robert can see her trying to hold in a laugh and despite it being at his expense it warms his heart to see a smile back on her face. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” he shakes his head with a chuckle. “It’s all good though your brother more than made it up to me.” Robert smirks knowing what her reaction would be and he can’t help the full belly laugh that erupts at the look of disgust on her face.

“Gross!” Liv grumbles, but can’t quite fully contain the smile hidden beneath. Robert was right they may have gotten off to a rocky start, but Robert became such an integral part of her life in a flash and now she can’t imagine her life without him in it.

“You asked for that!” Robert chuckles. “Come on, let’s get back to watching the film, eh?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Even if we are watching them in the wrong order,” He grumbles under his breath.

Liv still manages to hear and shakes her head. “You are the biggest nerd ever!”

..................

Aaron’s exhausted by the time he arrives back at the Mill. It’s well into the middle of the night, 4.03am he notes as he shines the light on his phone to find the keyhole.

Despite multiple updates from Liv throughout the night that Robert was absolutely fine and they were having a movie marathon together Aaron couldn’t help but feel a magnetic pull encouraging him to return home. He couldn’t face being away from Robert for too long. He struggles even rushing out to the shop or to the pub. He’s sure Robert will be sick of him practically being his shadow, but his mind goes into hyper drive every time Robert is out of his eyesight.

The suddenness of how their lives were turned upside down is a constant reminder of just how quickly things can change, and that’s what keeps the fear rattling round constantly in his mind. It’s why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night to check Robert is still safe and sound beside him in bed. And it’s what made him drive back from Glasgow at gone midnight.

After four hours on the road and being away from Robert most of the day he was so relieved to be walking back up the spiral staircase and back into their bedroom. Only he stops in the doorway when he sees both Robert and Liv fast asleep and the DVD menu of Thor Ragnarok playing over and over. It simultaneously warms his heart and breaks it. What they have, the family they made, it’s too precious to lose and Aaron is so scared of losing it. He looks at his peaceful husband and he can’t even begin to entertain living a life without Robert by his side.

His skin itches and his stomach twists and Aaron can feel the urge, the need, the desperation. It all builds inside and he needs to release it. He wants to be able to breath again. He remembers the sensation of clutching a blade, the pain as it cuts into his skin, the rush as the blood runs free. His body is moving before his brain catches up. He feels possessed as he strides out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. His fists clench at his side and the razor beckons him.

He finds himself back where he started that morning. Staring at his own reflection and hating how weak is. He can’t stand how easily he breaks down. He can’t even be strong for the man he loves.

His heart pounds so hard it may break free from his chest. Bile rushes up his throat and it breaks the spell he was caught in. He spits into the basin and washes it away. He splashes cold water on his face and takes some deep breaths trying to anchor himself and regain control. He rushes out of the bathroom, away from temptation and returns to his family.

He quietly turns off the TV and carefully slides onto the bed trying not to rouse either his husband or sister. He curls up behind Robert and puts his arms around him feeling the need to have him close. To have him in his arms. He has to be strong. He can be. He can do it for Robert. He kisses the mess of blonde hair, breathes in the familiar scent of his husband and quickly succumbs to his exhaustion.

...............

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The side effects of the chemotherapy hit Robert hard. Aaron continues to struggle in silence. Robert’s illness becomes public knowledge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry there’s been such a large gap between updates, but with Ryan leaving it really affected my motivation. I’m determined to finish this story though so I hope you can stick with it.

 

It’s the middle of the night when Aaron wakes up with a start. For a moment he’s not sure what triggered the sudden end to his slumber, but then he hears the coughing and retching from the bathroom. It’s then that he notices the empty space next to him in bed and he immediately springs to his feet. 

 

The bathroom door is ajar, the light from inside casts a glow across the landing aiding Aaron and as he nears the door he hears another wretch. He taps on the door faintly and goes inside and what he finds makes his heart sink like never before. 

 

Robert is slumped against the wall with an arm resting on the toilet ready to propel forward at any moment in case he vomits again. Every breath he takes is deep and his legs shake frantically. His eyes slowly open and find his and Aaron is struck by how lifeless and tired they look. A stark contrast to the usual shade of green that Aaron finds so irresistible. 

 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Aaron says as he kneels down on the cool tiled floor of the bathroom. He puts a hand on Robert’s shoulder to find his skin hot and clammy. “How long have you been in here?”

 

“Not long,” Robert mumbles barely able to muster the energy to even talk.

 

Aaron can feel the heat radiating off Robert and he knows he shouldn’t be this hot. They’re barely out of winter, it’s cold in the bathroom and Robert’s only in his underwear yet he’s as hot as a furnace. 

 

“You’re burning up,” he tells Robert as he places a palm to his sweaty forehead. “You should’ve woken me up.”

 

“Didn’t wanna wake you...” Whatever else he was going to say is momentarily forgotten as he lurches forward and throws up again.

 

Aaron rubs a hand soothingly up and down his back. “It’s alright, Rob, I’m right here. It’s gonna be alright.” 

 

A few minutes pass, along with multiple wretches before Robert feels that sickening feeling ease and he falls back off his knees and against the wall. He looks to Aaron who is pushing his damp hair from his forehead and he feels the tears welling up. 

 

“I didn’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want this for you, Aaron.” Robert lets out with every shaky breath.

 

“You don’t want this for me?” Aaron scoffs. “I don’t want this for you!” Aaron scoots closer with their legs tangled and bodies are shoulder to shoulder. “Neither of us want this, Robert, but I wanna be there for you. I wanna look after you.”

 

“I don’t wanna have to be looked after,” Robert sobs as his head falls into the crook of Aaron’s neck.

 

“I know you don’t,” Aaron nods as his own tears slip free. “But if things were different, if it was me going through this where would you be right now, Rob?”

 

“With you.”

 

“Yeah, you would. So, that’s where I’m gonna be. Right here, with you, every step of the way.” Aaron tilts Robert’s chin up and kisses his cheek. “You don’t have to be the strong one all the time, okay? Just let me help you, please?”

 

Robert nods gently and buries himself back into Aaron’s body just needing that contact and comfort.

 

After a while Aaron helps Robert back to bed. The vomiting took so much out of Robert that he’s out like a light the second he’s back under the covers. Aaron cleans up in the bathroom, wets a flannel to press against Robert’s forehead in an effort to cool down his temperature, and refills the glass of water Robert took to bed earlier that night before returning to the bathroom. He takes some deep breaths to calm himself, but he can’t get the image of Robert curled up on the bathroom floor out of his mind. Seeing him look so defeated and weak stunned him to the core and it was yet another reminder of what Robert is going to have to endure to beat the cancer. It breaks his heart and he can’t handle seeing his husband like that.

 

Again he’s hit with wave after wave of emotions and it pulls him under. He scrambles for the surface but he can’t catch a breath. He’s suddenly rummaging through the bathroom cabinet that is above the sink sending items tumbling into the sink until he finds the spare razor blades. He holds one tight in between his fingers and thumb, the blade so close to breaking through his skin. He tells himself he’ll only do it the once, just enough to let him breathe again, to have him regroup so he can be the tower of strength that Robert needs.

 

“Aaron?”

 

He snaps his gaze to the doorway to see Liv standing there. He drops the blade into the sink and immediately looks away from her feeling ashamed. 

 

“What are you doing up?” Aaron asks quickly trying to control the conversation so she doesn’t ask any questions he doesn’t want to answer. “Sorry if I woke you. I accidentally knocked all this stuff out the cabinet.”

 

“It’s alright. I was awake anyway,” Liv answers. “I heard all the noise and wanted to check everything was okay. You are okay, aren’t you?”

 

“Yeah, yeah of course I am,” Aaron nods as he stuffs all the products back into the cabinet haphazardly. “I’m just tired that’s all.”

 

“You know you can talk to me don’t you?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It feels fake on his features, but he hopes it’s enough to fool her. “Night.”

 

He steps by her and rushes back into the safe haven of the bedroom. He falls back against the door and digs his nails into his palms to try and control himself. To banish his old demons away. He came so close to letting Robert down and as he looks at his husband he promises again to be strong for him. But he knows it’s an empty promise. It’s a promise he’s petrified that he just can’t keep. 

 

..................

 

“How’s Rob?” Liv asks as soon as Aaron makes it down the stairs the following morning. “I heard him last night. That’s what woke me up.”

 

“He’s doing alright,” Aaron answers. “Sorry we kept you up.”

 

“I was going to check on him, but then I heard your voice so I left you to it.” She can’t help but notice that dark rings under Aaron’s eyes and how sad he looks and she wishes so badly that her brothers didn’t have to go through this. “How are you doing?”

 

“I’m good, don’t worry about me,” Aaron shoots back instantly not wanting to think about last night and busies himself making a morning coffee. He could do with a caffeine boost after not sleeping a wink. He tried, but instead he found himself just watching and listening out for Robert whilst tracing every single scar that litters his chest and stomach.

 

“Aaron...”

 

“Don’t Liv!” Aaron snaps scared that she realised what was going through his mind last night. He doesn’t mean it to come out so harshly, but he can’t talk about that. He can’t show any weakness. If he breaks now, he’s not sure he’ll be able to pull himself back together and he can’t allow that to happen. “Lets just focus on Robert, alright?”

 

Liv can see him struggling. That he’s unravelling bit by bit. What she saw last night has her fearing the worst, but she agrees to drop the subject. At least for now. However she makes a silent vow to keep an even closer eye on both Aaron and Robert from now on.

 

“Morning,” Robert mumbles as he slowly makes his way down the stairs on unsteady legs.

 

“What are you doing?” Aaron asks as he rushes to Robert’s side. “I was gonna bring breakfast up to you.”

 

“Well, I’m bored of being in bed and looking at the same four walls,” Robert bemoans as he settles onto the couch. “Besides, I can rest just as well down here as I can in our room.”

 

“Okay, just don’t over exert yourself,” Aaron makes his way back over to the kitchen to start cooking breakfast. “Full english breakfast?”

 

“Not for me,” Robert grimaces, the thought of food making this stomach roll. Lately, everything he eats comes back up soon after. “I’ll just have some coffee.” 

 

“You’ve gotta eat something,” Aaron urges. He’s noticed how little Robert’s been eating since he started his chemotherapy treatment and it’s starting to really concern him. Most wouldn’t notice, but he can already see and feel the effects the chemotherapy has had on his husbands body. He’s a little bit slimmer, bones protruding a fraction more. “Rob, have to keep your strength up.”

 

“I can’t. Just the thought of food makes me wanna throw up again,” Robert rebuffs as he sinks further into the couch. He hates this. He hates having all this attention on him. He hates how everyone is worrying and fussing over him despite knowing Aaron means well and that he would be the same if the roles reversed.

 

“What about some dry toast?” Aaron tries to bargain. He just needs him to eat something. Anything.

 

“I said no, Aaron!” Robert forcefully says and regrets it the moment he sees Aaron’s face. He knows Aaron just wants to look after him and he didn’t deserve to have his head bitten off. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’ll eat later I promise.”

 

Aaron gives in with a barely perceptible nod and goes back to making the coffee.

 

“So what are you doing today?” Liv asks trying to diffuse the swelling tension.

 

“Nothing.” All Aaron has planned is being by Robert’s side. After seeing the state his husband was in last night it made it all hit home just how hard the next few months are going to be and he knew in that moment Robert had to be his sole focus. He didn’t care about the business. He didn’t care about anything or anyone else. Robert was the priority.

 

“Why don’t you go for a run?” Robert suggests. “You’ve been cooped up in here with me for weeks.”

 

“No...”

 

“Sounds like a good idea,” Liv interrupts hoping a break and some fresh air will do her big brother some good. “I’ll stay with Robert.”

 

“I don’t need babysitting.” Robert huffs with a roll of his eyes.

 

“I wasn’t going to. In fact I was planning to kick your arse on that new game you bought me!” Liv smirks.

 

“You’re on!” Robert smiles, feeling himself relax at the semblance of normalcy. “Go on, get out of here.” He smiles at Aaron indicating its okay and he’ll be fine.

 

“Alright I know when I’m not wanted,” Aaron reluctantly gives in and places a quick kiss on the top of Robert’s head before striding up the stairs to change into his running gear.

 

................

 

An hour passes with Robert getting continually thrashed by Liv on the new Mortal Kombat game and Liv never missed a chance to rub it in.

 

“So how many times is it that you’ve lost now, Robert?” She teases. “Or have you lost count?”

 

“No one likes arrogance, Olivia,” Robert fires back with a good natured shake of the head. This felt normal. It felt like the old days where the family was settled and had no worries at all. He thinks bitterly that he wants this back. He wonders if he didn’t appreciate it enough back then and that’s why it’s been taken away from him. Or maybe he just didn’t deserve it in the first place.

 

“Well, you’re screwed then!” She laughs and ducks out of the way of the cushion being thrown at her.

 

“It’s not arrogance, it’s confidence!” Robert argues joining in with the laughter. 

 

“Whatever you say,” Liv grins cheekily.

 

“Thanks.” Robert suddenly says and at Liv’s confused face he further clarifies, “for helping me get your brother out of here.”

 

“Oh, no problem.”

 

“He’s been amazing this whole time, but I don’t want this to become his whole life.”

 

“He’s just worried, Rob. We both are.”

 

“I know that and you’ve both been so incredible, but I don’t want cancer to take over our entire lives.” The cancer had taken so much already, it could take away their future together and he doesn’t want it to take away everything else on top of that. “I don’t want Aaron to feel like he can’t leave me alone and that one of you has to watch over me twenty four seven.”

 

“I get that, but you need to let us know when you need us.”

 

Robert sighs in defeat knowing she’s right. He can’t expect them to back off when he’s not willing to be open when he really needs their help. “I’m trying. I just don’t want to be a burden.”

 

“We love you, Rob. We’re family. That’s what we do.” Liv reminds him.

 

“Yeah, we are,” he smiles and tugs her arm until she’s close enough to hug.

 

It’s then that Aaron comes through the door all hot and sweaty from his run around the village. He pulls the headphones out of his ears and gulps down a glass of water as Liv tells him how badly she beat Robert on the PS4.

 

Aaron chuckles at the pout forming on his husbands lips as they tease him and darts forward to peck him on the lips.

 

“Gross!” Liv grumbles.

 

“So how was your run?” Robert asks ignoring Liv’s protestations as he sneaks another quick kiss from Aaron’s lips.

 

“Good, although I had to dodge Mum. I could hear her calling my name a mile away.” Aaron sighs. “I’m surprised she’s not on the doorstep right now.”

 

“Well, you have been MIA for a while,” Robert reminds him. “I guess we can’t avoid her forever.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Maybe we should swing by the pub. Just for a little bit.” Robert suggests, not entirely thrilled with the idea, but he knows sooner or later Chas and so many others will come beating down their door if they don’t show their faces soon.

 

“Are you sure you’re up to it?” Aaron asks. “You were throwing up all night.”

 

“I’ll be fine,” Robert tells him. “Besides, I feel a lot better now. Getting out of here will probably do all of us some good.”

 

“I dunno...” A hesitant Aaron says as he chews at his bottom lip.

 

“We don’t have to be there long.” Liv adds.

 

“Exactly and the second it gets too much for me I’ll let you know.” Robert reasons with his husband as he’s reminded of the earlier conversation with Liv about being honest about how he’s feeling.

 

“Alright,” Aaron agrees. “The Woolpack it is.”

 

...................

 

The second they’re through the doors to The Woolpack Chas spots them and is rushing over to them.

 

“Well, it’s about bloody time!” Chas tells them as she puts her arms around Aaron in a big hug. “I was this close to sending out a search party for you lot!”

 

“Sorry, Mum, we’ve just been busy,” Aaron deflects hoping she won’t pry any further. “You alright?”

 

“I’m fine, luv.” Chas smiles as she makes her way back behind the bar. “Do you want a drink? Dinner?”

 

“Just some drinks please, Chas.” Robert says. “A pint for Aaron, Coke for Liv and just an orange juice for me thanks.”

 

“An orange juice? What’s up with you lad?” Zak chuckles to Lisa and Belle. “Have a beer!”

 

“I’ll just stick to the orange juice today, thanks,” He says hoping no one else will question his choice of beverage. Truth be told he would love a beer, but the doctors has told him to have little to no alcohol during treatment and to avoid temptation he decided to drink none at all.

 

“So, what have you lot been up to then?” Chas asks as she hands over their drinks.

 

“Just work really,” Aaron answers for them praying his mum will just drop the subject. “We got a bit behind on the paperwork.”

 

“Have those headaches gone now, Robert?” Chas asks and immediately all three of them tense up and feel a stab to their chest.

 

“Ahem...” Robert clears his throat trying his damnedest to try and put on a facade that’ll fool everyone. “Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better.”

 

“Good to know, pet,” Diane pipes up from the table she’s at with Doug, Eric and Victoria.

 

“Yeah, this one was getting worried.” Chas grins alluding to Aaron in a teasing manner and all remain oblivious to the sadness welling up in all three of them. “I’m glad You’re headache free, luv.”

 

It’s at that moment that Nicola walks in with Jimmy. That woman always has the worst possible timing and by the look on her face it’s clear she heard every word from Chas’ mouth.

 

“Is that right?” Nicola grins with glee. “I guess you’ll be back to work tomorrow then?”

 

The second she says the words she notices the menacing glare from Aaron and instantly is reminded of their altercation in The Woolpack a month back.

 

“Not that there’s any rush or anything. You come back whenever you’re ready.” Nicola backtracks and fake smiles her way past them whilst ordering Jimmy to order their drinks.

 

They settle down at a table and engage in conversations with the Dingles and Sugden’s and when the pub is quiet Chas leaves the bar to join them. Nicola has thankfully kept herself to her own little corner and any approach had been curtailed by a warning glare from Aaron.

 

A couple of hours passed and Robert was happy to see Aaron more at ease with a smile on his face and hearing him laugh again. He almost forgot about the ominous black clouds looming over them as they joked around with their family and friends. Aaron kept checking in with him, asking him if he wanted to go, but seeing his husband enjoying himself and looking carefree for the first time in months made him want to stay.

 

“Anyone want another round?” Robert asks the group and listens to the multitude of replies.

 

“I’ll come with you,” Liv states as she follows him to the bar. “I know you won’t remember all that. You’re getting old now.”

 

“Oi!” Robert nudges her with an elbow as a surly Charity serves them slamming down glass after glass on the bar. “Nice to see service with a smile as always, Charity.” 

 

Robert and Liv share and amused smile, but then he suddenly feels his stomach turn. His legs turn to jelly and his vision clouds over. The cacophony of voices merge and distort and he can feel himself falling right before it all goes black.

 

“Robert!” Liv screams as he hits the floor with a thud. “Rob!”

 

Aaron is by his side in an instant trying to rouse him with a gentle shake and stroking his cheek. “Robert? Robert, wake up. I need you to wake up!”

 

“What’s going on?” Victoria shrieks as a crowd of people gather round them.

 

“Oh, chill out!” Charity tuts. “He just can’t handle his drink.”

 

“Shut up, Charity!” Aaron barks as his fear collides with anger. She has no idea! None of them have any idea! 

 

“Awww, look at you. A regular knight in shining armour.” Charity spews with a uncaring roll of her eyes.

 

“Just shut up alright!” Liv snaps, unable to bite her tongue. “Just shut your mouth! You don’t have a clue!”

 

“What is with all the amateur dramatics?”

 

“He’s got a brain tumour!” Liv sobs. “He’s got cancer!”

 

........................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family rallies round to support Robert and Aaron. Aaron falls to pieces, but finally has a shoulder to cry on. Robert is devastated at the latest side effect to the chemotherapy.

The first thing Robert notices is the ringing in his ears that slowly transitions into a muddle of voices. They sound distorted like he’s underwater, but then one separates from the crowd. Aaron’s voice. 

“Rob, please wake up! I need you to wake up!”

He sounds so worried. Robert can hear the panic in his voice and it’s then that he feels Aaron’s touch. A hand on his chest and fingers running through his hair.

“Robert can you hear me?”

Robert wants to reply. To allay his husbands fears, but he can’t seem to find his voice. Slowly light streams through as his eyes flicker. Everything’s blurry. A mess of distorted colours and shapes. He tries to focus and slowly the clouds part and Aaron is right there beside him. Hovering over him. Bright blue eyes full of worry and tears.

“Hey,” He finally manages to croak. His throat feeling tight and scratchy. He can see the relief flood through Aaron now that he’s communicating, but Robert feels nothing but confusion. “What happened?”

As Robert tries to sit up Aaron gently stops him with a hand to his shoulder. “No, just lay down. Just rest for a bit. You collapsed.”

“Huh?” It all felt so foggy. The last thing he can remember is being with Liv at the bar in the Woolpack. It’s then he feels a pit in his stomach open up. He looks around to see many of the villagers crowded together at a distance all staring back at him. “What did you say? Do they know?”

“Don’t worry about that now, okay? We need to get you to the hospital.” Aaron tells him and the look he shares with Liv didn’t pass Robert by. “Does your head hurt? Do you feel sick?” He asks quietly.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Robert asks as both Aaron and Liv help him to sit up. It’s only then he sees Vic, Diane and Chas all huddled together near his feet. He looks to Aaron but knows he won’t get any answers right now. “I’ve got a little headache and no sickness. I don’t need the hospital. Just take me home, please.”

“Not a chance,” Aaron replies fiercely. “We’re going. No arguments.”

Robert knows from the tone of his voice that it would be futile arguing with him and gives in with a barely perceptible nod. He’s helped to his feet and before they’ve even made it through the doors he can hear the gossiping starting.

“They know don’t they?” Robert sighs trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. Aaron remains silent and keeps his eyes cast downward. They’ve always been able to read each other from a single glance and it tells Robert all he needs to know. “Did you tell them?”

“Let’s just get you checked out first, okay?” Aaron begs. “We’ll talk it all through at the hospital.”

“We’ll meet you at the hospital!” Diane yells from the steps of the pub.

Both men look back to see Diane, Victoria, Chas and a sheepish Liv all watching them leave.

............

Much to Robert’s chagrin the Doctor wouldn’t let him go home. Not for a few hours anyway. He was severely dehydrated due to the excessive vomiting and the lack of food he’d consumed made him far too weak. They hooked him up to an IV, gave him anti nausea medication and wouldn’t release him until he kept a meal down.

Aaron was with him the whole time. He had been fantastic at reeling off his medical history and getting the doctor up to speed on his illness and what happened. He had barely let go of his hand since he woke up on the floor and Robert was glad of it. He needed that comfort. That reassurance that he wasn’t alone.

With the nurse finally finishing her notes, setting the clipboard down at the end of his hospital bed and moving on to her next patient Robert finally got the opportunity to question Aaron.

“So, are you gonna tell me now?” He asks and Aaron instantly ducks away from his gaze. “How do they all know, Aaron?”

Aaron lets out a heavy sigh. “She didn’t mean to. Charity was banging on and she was scared.”

“Liv.” It wasn’t a question, but Aaron confirms it with a nod anyway. “So they all know?” Another nod comes from Aaron. “Great. That’ll be the village gossip for weeks and everyone will know by the end of the day.”

“I’m sorry...” Aaron starts, but is interrupted by a knock on the door. He looks back over his shoulder as Victoria’s Diane and Chas all file and all asking Robert if he’s okay. Liv hovers at the door with guilt written all over her face.

“I’m fine,” Robert says as Victoria goes in for a hug. “Stop fussing!”

“Well, maybe if we knew what was going on we wouldn’t, pet.” Diane replies as she takes a seat on the opposite side of the bed to Aaron. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I just wasn’t ready yet,” Robert answers. “It was hard enough telling Aaron and Liv. To do it all over again...I just needed more time.”

“That’s understandable, luv.” Chas says as she stands behind Aaron. “But you know we’re all here for ya. For all of ya.”

“So, how bad is it?” Victoria asks with trepidation. “What have the doctors said?”

With a single glance in his direction Aaron can see Robert doesn’t want to do this. He can’t go through all of it again. He squeezes Robert’s hand and stands up. “I’ll fill all of you in. The doctors said he needs to rest so we’ll head to the cafeteria for a bit.”

Reading the room Chas immediately follows Aaron. “Good idea.” She points to Robert with a smile. “You get some shut eye.”

Robert grins. “You think I’d argue against Doctor Dingle over there?” He watches them exit, but before Liv can escape he calls her name. “Stay?”

“I thought you needed to rest?” She asks as she still lingers at the door nervously.

“Nah, all I do is rest lately!” Robert chuckles. “I just didn’t really want to explain everything all over again, that’s all.” He watches her shift from one foot to the other, pick at a loose thread on the sleeve of her hoodie. “Aaron told me what happened. I’m not angry with you.”

She finally looks at him and he can see the guilt radiating off her. “Really?”

“No,” Robert shakes his head and juts his head to the chair Aaron just vacated. “It had to happen sooner or later.”

“Yeah, but you wanted it to be later,” Liv sighs as she sits down. “I’m so sorry, Rob. I never meant for it to come out. I just wanted Charity to shut up and I was so worried...”

“Liv,” Robert cuts off her frantic apology. “You don’t need to apologise, okay? You’ve done me a favour to be honest. The whole village will know and I won’t have to tell anyone else. Can you imagine how many pity looks I’d get?”

Liv finally lets the faintest smile grace her face. “I’m still sorry.”

“I told you to stop saying that!” Robert implores before a grin plasters itself all over his face. “But I suppose you could fetch and carry for me to make it up to me.”

“You want me to be your helper?” Liv scoffs.

“I was more thinking you’d be my slave.” Robert smirks. “I mean you owe me!”

“No chance!”

.......................

Robert was relieved that they discharged from hospital later that night and got to sleep in his own bed beside his husband. He was so exhausted he fell asleep in Aaron’s arms in a matter of minutes of his head hitting the pillow.

They both awoke the following day with most of the morning already gone. Both men quite content to stay wrapped up in bed and each other. As midday drew closer they finally made it downstairs and before they could even settle and think about food Victoria and Diane were on their doorstep arms full of groceries and meals that they could reheat.

Robert wasn’t really up for the inquisition they brought too and rehashing every little detail of the past few months. Aaron could tell he was losing his tolerance and managed to usher them out the door after an hour or so. 

“It’s been a day and I’m already fed up of their fussing!” Robert moaned.

“They’re just worried and want to help,” Aaron soothed as he slumped back onto the couch. “And at least you won’t have to put up with my cooking any more.”

Robert smiles and links his finger with Aaron’s. “I know they mean well, it’s just they make me feel pathetic and gawped at.”

“I thought you liked being centre of attention?” Aaron jokes, but can see that the smile it bring to Robert’s face doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He knows Robert hates to feel weak. He knows he’s hated having to lean on him and he’s his husband. The fact that now everyone knows just magnifies it by a thousand. “Do you want me to tell them to back off?”

Robert seems to mull it over, but ultimately lands on no. “They’ve just found out, hopefully they’ll back off once they come to terms with it.”

Right on queue there’s another knock on the door. They both share an unamused look and with a drawn out sigh Aaron goes to answer it.

“Is he here?” Nicola asks barging right through Aaron and into the Mill.

“Come in why don’t ya!” Aaron retorts with trademark sarcasm. He follows her ready to pounce the second she steps a foot out of line. “What do you want, Nicola?”

“To see my business partner,”  
She barks before turning her attention to Robert. “How are you doing?”

“Honestly, I’m sick of people asking me that.” Robert admits. “Is there something wrong with Home James?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.” Nicola confirms. “I just wanted to come round and tell you that you don’t need to worry about the business. Jimmy and I can handle it. We will still split the profits equally for as long as you’re out of action and you’re job will be waiting for you.”

“Really?” Robert queries, a little taken aback by Nicola’s unusual act of kindness and consideration. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Oh, thanks a lot!” Nicola tuts at the insult. “I’m not completely heartless, Robert. Besides, you’re an asset to the business.”

“You sure you can cope without him?” Aaron interjects with a teasing and conspiratorially grin at his husband. After all winding up Nicola was one of their favourite pastimes.

“We’ll manage just fine.” Nicola practically snarls back over her shoulder at Aaron. “I just wanted you to know, okay?”

“Thanks, Nicola.” Robert says sincerely. It may have been surprising, but he was grateful. It was a weight off his mind that was for sure. “Means a lot.”

“No problem. Make sure you beat this thing.” Nicola smiles at them kindly before seeing herself out.

“Did I just imagine that?” Aaron laughs. “She must’ve had a personality transplant.”

Robert laughs before tucking his head back into Aaron’s neck as he sits back down on the couch. He breathes Aaron in for a moment. He’s found himself craving these moments with Aaron more and more since his diagnosis. He wants to soak up every thing, make every moment count just in case the worst happens.

Suddenly they hear the door open and Chas’ voice calling out. Robert grumbles and buries his head deeper into Aaron’s neck. “Can we move?”

Chas appears and sees them curled up on the couch together. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wondered if you needed anything as I’m heading into Hotten.”

“No we’re all good, thanks Mum.” Aaron answers. “Victoria and Diane have supplied us with enough food to last us the rest of the year.”

“Fair enough,” She looks to the stairs as Liv comes down. “Hiya, luv. Alright then I’ll leave you to it.”

As Chas leaves Liv quickly says her goodbyes to her brothers too informing them that she’s meeting up with Gabby. She runs across the gravel driveway to catch up with Chas.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“That sounds serious,” Chas notes from the teenagers demeanour and tone. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m worried about Aaron.” Liv explains. She’s wrestled with the decision to share her fears for weeks. A part of her feels like she’s betraying Aaron, but she loves him too much to ignore it. “He won’t admit it, but he’s been struggling for months.”

“Of course he has, luv. It’s to be expected with what Robert’s going through.” Chas comforts trying to allay the young girls fears. “But now all the family knows we’ll be there to support you all.”

“No, you don’t get it!” Liv yells, her frustration boiling over. “I think...I think he’s been hurting himself again!”

...............

“Mum?” Aaron calls out as he blasts through the back door of the Woolpack. Chas had called him earlier for assistance with moving the morning delivery from the brewery. “Where are you?”

He enters the living room just as Chas pokes her head around the corner where the crammed kitchen is located.

“Just here, luv,” Chas says. “Do you want a cuppa?”

“No, thanks,” Aaron dismisses. “I’ll just get on with moving all that stock for ya.” He was keen to return to Robert who was still battling the side effects of the chemotherapy, and with an onslaught still to come when he has another session of chemicals pumped into his body the following day Aaron felt the need to be close to his husband. 

“Surely you have enough time to have a chat with your mum?” Chas tries to persuade him. After Liv shared her concerns about him Chas couldn’t ignore the need and urgency to check up on her son. It wasn’t often that she would beat around the bush but she had to create a white lie just to get Aaron to leave Robert’s side. She couldn’t have made her real intentions clear because she knew full well Aaron wouldn’t have come round and then avoid her like the plague.

“I wanna get back to Robert. The chemo has really knocked him about.” Aaron is resolute however and had no intentions of sticking around any longer than he had to. “Is the stock still behind the bar?”

“No,” Chas at least has the decency to look guilty at duping her son at this point. “Err...it’s all done. Paddy sorted it.”

“Paddy?” Aaron questions with disbelief. “The man who puts his back out lifting a cushion?”

“Well...he’s been working out...” Chas replies limply. She can see the suspicion rise in Aaron and knows she’ll have to admit the truth sooner or later.

“Did you make up a delivery just to get me here?”

“Of course not!” Chas denies, but quickly relents as the look on Aaron’s face tells her in no uncertain terms that she’s been rumbled. “Okay, maybe a little!”

“Mum!” Aaron lets out an exasperated sigh and shakes his head. “You know I’ve got more important things to do than waste my time here!”

“Luv, please...”

“No, I’ve gotta go check on Robert!” Aaron shouts fuming at his mother for dragging him away.

“Are you hurting yourself again?” Chas yells and it stops Aaron in his tracks. He turns back to her and she can see the anguish on her sons face. “Liv told me she saw you the other night...”

“That was nothing!” Aaron hisses through gritted teeth. He didn’t need people checking up on him and worrying about him. He needed people to focus and look after Robert!

“She saw you holding a razor blade!” Chas shrieks. “She’s worried. I’m worried. Please just talk to me.”

Aaron doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak. You could hear a pin drop. He’s been trying so hard to keep it together. To keep up the facade. Every day he fought just to keep his head above water and try and be an unwavering tower of strength for Robert. But now stood under the caring gaze of his mother the cracks turn into caverns and he finally gives in. He crumples into her waiting arms and cries his heart out on her shoulder.

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” Chas pleads as she guides Aaron back to the couch. “I know you and Robert are going through hell, but cutting yourself again isn’t gonna help!”

“I haven’t,” Aaron sobs and wipes furiously at the tear tracks staining his cheeks. “I promise you I haven’t.”

“Liv saw you with a blade!” Chas argues full of panic that her son is falling back into old coping mechanisms. “You don’t have to hide it from me.”

“I’m not.” Aaron affirms as he tries to calm his heaving chest now that he’s managed to slow the flow of tears. “I nearly did. I came close so many times, but then I’d think of Robert and how hard he’s fighting...I just feel so pathetic and so guilty, mum.”

“No, luv,” Chas wraps him up in her arms again and consoles him. “You’re not pathetic you’re just struggling. And that’s okay. You’re allowed.”

“I am pathetic. I watch Robert get weaker and weaker every single day. I see him throwing up again and again and here I am falling apart! I can’t handle it!”

“He’s your husband! Of course you’re gonna be a mess!” Chas tries to reason as she grabs at his shoulders to keep him looking at her. So he can see she’s right. To make him understand.

“I’m so scared. I can barely sleep cos I’m frightened something will happen to him in the middle of the night. I just have all this stuff in my head and I just need it to stop.”

“And you do that by hurting yourself?@ Chas looks at her distraught son and it breaks her heart to see it. “What do you think it would do to Robert if he found out you were cutting again?”

“He’d blame himself knowing Robert.” Aaron knows he would. Robert shoulders the blame for so much even when he’s completely innocent. He’s been so used to the finger being pointed his way since he was a boy.

“He’d be devastated, Aaron.” Chas tells him. She harbours no intention of telling Robert of Aaron’s turmoil, but she needs to ensure Aaron’s safety and health too. “So do me a favour, okay? Every time you feel yourself slipping you talk.”

“I can’t tell him about this!” Aaron instantly puts his foot down. He won’t pile anymore on Robert’s already weary shoulders. “I won’t tell him and neither will you!”

“No, Aaron! Just listen!” Chas shakes her head trying to calm Aaron down as he rants about Robert never finding out about his struggle. “What I mean is you be strong for Robert. As strong as you can be and I’ll be strong for you. So every time you think about hurting yourself you call me. You come here. Okay?”

Aaron buries his head in his hands, the mess of emotions inside of him wreaking havoc. He felt so out of control and lost and he just wants to go back to when they were happy. He wishes for it every damn day.

“I called a family meeting earlier today up at Wishing Well.” Chas reveals. “We’ve organised shifts between us all to cover you at the scrapyard.”

“What?” Aaron asks full of surprise.

“It’ll be one less thing for you to worry about. Cain, Zak, Lisa, Sammy, Belle, even Charity are gonna pitch in and help. We’re all here for you, luv. For the both of you.”

“Thank you,” Aaron sniffles as he hugs her. “I still can’t believe this is happening. Everything just changed so quickly. We had so much planned. We were thinking of the future and now we might not even have one.”

“Don’t think like that. He’s going to get through this.” Chas puts both hands to his face and looks at him. “If I’ve learnt one thing about Robert Sugden is that he’s bloody stubborn.”

“Understatement,” Aaron chuckles with her, but it quickly fades. “Before all this...We err... we were talking about starting a family.”

“Oh, luv!” Chas beams, but can see the heartbreak written all over Aaron’s face. “You would both be brilliant dads. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“We wanted to keep it just between us. At least until we knew for certain.” He can’t help but think back at how close they were to taking that step and now it’s a dream that could be ripped away. “We went to a couple of surrogacy meetings and even met a woman that had been a surrogate before.”

“Oh, sweetheart. It can still happen. You and Robert can have a little family.”

“Or I could lose everything I’ve ever wanted.”

..................

Robert wakes to soft kisses at his neck and shoulder. The familiar feeling of Aaron’s lips and beard against his skin makes his skin tingle and goosebumps rise. Aaron’s strong arms are around him, his chest pressed to his back and the warmth that envelops Robert is all consuming. He wants to stay like this forever.

“Morning.”

Aaron’s voice is deep and gravelly and it’s something Robert has always loved. He turns to look at him and he’s met with Aaron’s curls that are extra fluffy in the morning. Another thing that Robert treasures. Now more than ever he makes the most of these moments. He wants to commit every single detail to memory. He’s never really believed in God, heaven or hell, but now facing his own mortality he hopes there is something after death. Somewhere where he’ll still be able to remember and treasure Aaron.

“Morning,” Robert smiles as he cups Aaron’s cheek. “What’s the time?” He struggled to sleep most of the night, his anxiety over the next chemotherapy session was constantly running around his head.

“Just gone 8,” Aaron answers. “We don’t have to rush to get the hospital on time.” Aaron can see and feel the nervous energy radiating off his husband and he feels helpless to change that far too much these days. “You can do this, Robert. And I’ll be there the whole time.”

“I know,” Robert plants a soft kiss at Aaron’s lips trying to hide the building panic inside. “I suppose I should get ready.”

“Okay.” Aaron quickly throws on a T-shirt and joggers. “I’ll go and start on breakfast.”

Robert curses his body the moment he tries to move. The day has barely started and he’s already aching and exhausted. He slowly makes his way to the bathroom and he hates the haggard reflection starting back at him from the mirror. 

He huffs out a deep sigh and runs his hands through his hair. It’s only then that he notices loose strands of blonde hair tangled between his fingers.

“No, no, no,” He cries as more strands fall free every time he cards his fingers through his hair. He keeps repeating the action until clumps of it are in the sink. He feels a lump at his throat and succumbs to the tears that are threatening to fall.

He looks back at his reflection through the teardrops and he knows that the man Aaron fell in love with will soon be gone.

................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77

**Author's Note:**

> If you like you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


End file.
